Running from Ritalin: A Hope for My Son

What does the movie Moneyball, the song Perfect by Pink and a 5K in Agoura have in common?  Other than this post, probably not a lot of things.  For me, though, they all led me to put words to something I have been struggling to write.  At one point this post was written to a series of people……….my son included.  Recent events though have me focusing this entry on Jaden, my amazing 7 year old best buddy.  This post will be a mess of thoughts that are in my head.  They may make no sense to anybody but me but they are eating me up and I need to get them out of my head.

 

I always refer to Good Plus One as a blog but to be honest with myself, I think it is hardly that.  I am not sure what a ‘blog’ technically is but I imagine the definition involves a frequency of writing far more than I contribute.  I started this site to track my wife’s second battle with cancer.  I certainly have utilized it to help fight back against that cancer, the cancer that took my father’s life, the cancer that attacks my friends (both virtual and real life) and the cancer that looms out there waiting to attack any one of us.  This site is also a place for me to go when I want to write………….I have hopes of writing a book one day.  This site gives that hope……..well, hope.  My life is insane.  Time to write is not abundant.  I rest easy, though, knowing I have a place to go when time permits itself.

I would also like to think this site is a source of motivation for some.  If it is not, I would like it to be.  I would like to inspire people.  I would like to get people off the couch for whatever reason that put them there.  I would like people that have lost their way to read my words and find direction.  I would like people that doubt their ability to find some faith and reach……….well, beyond their reach.  I want people that doubt their ability to make a difference to know changing the world is a real possibility.

Although self-serving, I think Good Plus One is also here to help make me a better person.  By putting my thoughts on paper, I center myself and make sure I am being the best person I can be.  I have somewhat of a photographic memory (although I think it is fading a little bit with time).  What I see on paper, I internalize.  In college, I would write notes for a test in tiny print on one sheet of paper.  When I would take the test, I could see the answer to the question on that sheet of paper as if it were sitting in front of me.  Seeing my words and my beliefs and what is right on a sheet of paper commits them to memory and assures I try to live each moment to the best of my ability.

At the very least, I would like this site to be a place my children can one day go and understand what is going on in their Dad’s head.  I, of course, hope to teach them that face to face but there are things going on today that a 4 year old and 7 year old certainly will not understand.  On Sundays, for example, my children know they will wake up and Dad will not be home.  They know I coach a team and I can certainly explain ‘why’ I coach but there is no way they understand all the nuances of what coaching for Team in Training and fighting cancer represent.   My son Jaden is starting to understand what I do tied to a recent reunion with one of his school friends named Eliot.  You see,   Jaden’s friend has been very sick and because of that has been in and out of school.   Oddly enough and sadly enough, the sickness that keeps Eliot out of school is leukemia.  Jaden knew this but recently put 2 and 2 together to realize that leukemia is why he will only know his grandfather (my father) through photographs and stories.  How do I know that Jaden finally understands the evil that cancer is? Well……after that reunion with Eliot, Jaden came up to me later in the day to ask me a favor.  He said “Dad, I know you have a team and I know that Eliot has what your Dad had and I know that your Dad died from what Eliot has.”  He then asked me a question that dropped me to my knees………”Dad,  can you please save my friend?”  My eyes water just thinking  about that interaction.  All I could tell my son is that I was…..and would continue…… to do everything in my power to save his friend.

Today this post is not about fighting cancer (although I always accept donations).  It may not motivate anyone other than myself and I am okay with that.  It is written for my son Jaden and it is written in the hope that his Dad becomes a much better and understanding father.

Jaden being sick = steroids = large child

Ever since Jaden was born, I wanted to write for him…………I wanted to write to him.  I wanted to share all the thoughts I had watching him grow up………the good and the bad.  I wanted to share my thoughts when I heard him talk for the first time, saw him laugh for the first time, saw him take his first steps, saw him get 100% on a spelling test for the first time, saw him get his first baseball hit and saw him cross his first 5K finish line.  I also wanted to share my thoughts watching him struggle as a little boy to make friends………something that was tough for me as a kid too.  Jaden was very sick as a baby and had to be isolated from other children for the first 3 years of his life.  This isolation created some difficulty with social skills which, I believe, still affects him today (I am not saying Jaden lived in a bubble but his exposure to other kids was greatly reduced).  I wanted to put to words my apologies for being an overprotective Dad.  I have a good excuse for that.  Before Jaden was born, my daughter Isabella passed away.  When you hold your child in your arms and that child is not breathing…………it is tough to overcome and tough for the children that follow.  I try to adapt.  I try to get stronger.  I am getting better but I have a ways to go.  Anyway, my hopes to write for Jaden never transpired.  I still have the journal I purchased for that very purpose but it lays blank by my bedside as a reminder of time lost.

When my son finally grew out of his horrible allergies and was allowed to enter the free world with the rest of the children, things were a bit challenging for him.  He did not know how to share because he never had to share.  It wasn’t that he was selfish, it was simply that he had never interacted with other children before.  He was thrown into a foreign environment and it was tough to watch him struggle.  I remember taking him to the park. He would try so hard to get someone to play with him, so hard to have someone be his friend. It was always awkward and it was rarely easy.  As his Dad, I just wanted to make everything all right.  I wanted him to feel accepted and loved. Jumping ahead to present day, that is where I find myself as I write this entry.  I want to make everything okay but this time it is a little more than just making friends.

Time passed and Jaden went to preschool. Things got a little easier but Jaden struggled to make it through each day without trouble. He was wicked smart but troublesome and it took a lot of patience on behalf of the teachers to deal with him.  I always attributed these things to his first years of separation but every once in a while I would muster the question to my wife about whether she thought he might have Attention Deficit Disorder.  Truthfully, I didn’t know what having ADHD meant but I do know that I feared the answer every time I posed it.  My wife would always assure me things were okay and we would move forward in time. 

Jaden made it to Kindergarten and was blessed to have an amazing teacher.  He dealt with many of the same struggles but this is the first time somebody used the word ‘gifted’ to describe my son.  Gifted was a word I could deal with.  Gifted is something that made sense to me because he was so very smart.  I figured that my son must simply be bored because the work he was being asked to do was so easy for him.  I liken the way Jaden acted to Chapter One of the Steve Jobs book where Steve would keep getting in trouble at school because the school could not keep his interest. Somewhere along the way I am sure I asked my wife the ADHD question and then tentatively moved past it hoping it would fade into the distance.  In my mind I always use the 3 years of separation that started my sons life as the reason for all of this.  I know this excuse will not always be allowed.  At 18 it will no longer make sense but I could certainly use the excuse at the age of 5-6.  One other note here was given my son’s  October birthday, he was the youngest person in his class making my excuse even more plausible. He was socially behind by 3 years and was among children that were all older…..thus more mature……than him.  My wife always questioned whether we should have kept him back a year before entering school but we always point to the fact that even as the youngest he is one of the smartest and already bored.  How bored would he have been had we held him back.

On to the 1^st grade. Same struggles.  Same ‘Gifted’ terminology was used to describe my son except this teacher was certain he was gifted.  She was amazing and found ways to challenge my son to keep him interested.  She would reward him by giving him more challenging things to do and she seemed to relish in the challenge that was my son.  The last 2 months of the 1^st grade were magical for my son.  He had bonded with his teacher and every single day was a good day.  I finally breathed a sigh of relief that everything was going to be okay.

The new year arrived and my son entered the 2^nd grade. Out of the gate, Jaden had a lot of struggles.  My son does not do so well with change so we just figured and hoped he was in an adjustment period.  He was very sad to be separated from his 1^st grade teacher but we figured he would slowly get accustomed to his new classmates and his new setting.  Some days were okay but we started to have more and more calls from the school office.  Jaden was a little more disruptive and was not listening to the teacher.  This time, the ADHD question surfaced but this time it came from the Vice Principal because every time she seemed to be at the school, Jaden was in the office in trouble for something.  Again, my son is extremely smart and the ‘gifted’ term continued to be used but I started to fear something else was wrong.  I felt and, while writing this post, feel like the pressure of this ADHD question has been building for years and I feel this insane weight on my shoulders awaiting the answer. When my phone rings at work and I see it is my wife calling, my heart rate goes through the roof at the fear of receiving some bad news about the trouble my son is having at school.  This fear is not about the inconvenience.  This fear is about my son and how all of this is making him feel.  I have tried everything I can and feel like a failure because to date I am not making much progress for my son. 

Some situations at school recently forced us to get Jaden a counselor.  This counselor has been seeing my son weekly for a month or two and last week’s session saw the doctor ask if I would attend my son’s session next Monday.  My immediate thought was that he has finished his assessment and is going to diagnose my son with ADHD.  My wife indicated he is leaning that way and it FREAKS me out.  Don’t get me wrong, there are far worse things my son could be diagnosed with……..I have experienced that first hand on multiple occasions and I have witnessed it through friends and family many more times than that.  My son could have cancer or some other debilitating illness and I would gladly choose an ADHD diagnosis if I had to.  That being said, I took a quick glimpse at the internet and the brief things I read before running from the computer in a panic have me incredibly upset.  I do not want my son to be labeled.  I do not want my son to struggle.  I do not want my son and will not let my son take medicine.  If diagnosed with ADHD, Ritalin may be proposed as a solution but I will be sent to prison before my son ever touches that medicine.  I have talked to people that have been around others taking Ritalin.  These children were said to appear like a cloud had come over them and I even heard the word ‘zombie’ used.  That will not happen to my son.  I will quit my job and live in a box if I have to be there for my son.  My wife has already quit her job, which will put a financial strain on the family, but I could care less.  She can now be at Jaden’s school on a daily basis making sure that he gets through each day with success.  It may be a temporary solution but at least it allows some time to figure things out.  This may all sound silly to those of you reading this.  I have cried (in full disclosure mode here) 5 times just writing about this.  I do not know if it is sensitivity tied to already losing a child.  I do not know if it is simply a father’s love for his child.  All I know is that I am terribly upset and just want my son to be okay.

Turkey Trot Finish Line

How does Moneyball fit into all of this?  To explain that, I have to back up to October of this year when I started running with my son.  He was only 6 at the time so I would not let him run too far but I did give him the okay to train for a 5K.  It was something we could do together.  It was something I thought he could use to channel his energy.  It was also something his 2^nd grade teacher was very good at so I thought it might help my son to feel a connection.  We started running with just a mile and even in that mile we used a run-walk interval.  I did not have any time aspirations for my son.  I just wanted to have fun with him.  I would offer coaching suggestions but just so he felt good about himself and so that he felt like he was working towards something.  He has seen me coach at Team in Training many times and now he was able to have his Dad as his coach.  We had an amazing time.  The Burbank YMCA Turkey Trot was his 1^st 5K and we had a blast.  I was so proud of my son.  It was the first time he ran without stopping and he broke 30 minutes which was a target we threw out there for fun.  After the Turkey Trot, my son took some time off for the holidays…..sounds funny I know but to a 7 year old (he turned 7 shortly after we started running on 10/29/11) Christmas was much more exciting than running.

I think it was not until February 2012 that the talk of another 5K came about.  I let Jaden choose a race and he picked the Agoura Hills 5K which was part of the Great Race of Agoura which features a half marathon, a 10K, a kids mile, a kids fun run and, of course the 5K my son would be competing in.  We started training but it felt like we didn’t have too much time before the race would be upon us.  I told Jaden we needed to get in 3 runs per week.  I would give him 2 shorter runs and then one longer one of 2.5 to 3 miles.  Up until this point in my son’s brief running career, I would have to spend a lot of time distracting my son from the actual run.  I would get him to talk about toys and forget about running because he would get whiny and not really push himself if he thought about what he was doing.  He had a great time but I think he was dramatic about it.  Talking about Beyblades or Bakugans would allow him to pass the time before he realized he had actually run a few miles.  It was not until training for this 2^nd 5K that I could just run with Jaden without any mental tricks.  Every once in a while I would have him do some running drills. It was fun for him because he got to sprint for short periods of time and it made him really feel like a runner…….kids just want to sprint!

It is mid March and race day is approaching soon.  I am flying home from a business trip and decide to watch the movie Moneyball on my iPad.  While watching this movie a light bulb went off as to why I wanted my son to run and, truthfully why I think everyone should run.  Approximately ¾ of the way through the movie, things turn to the Oakland Athletics attempt at the American League record for consecutive wins.  This team that started the year playing horrible…..this team that was not expected to do much after losing some star players had won 19 games in a row.  Nineteen games in a row is unheard of and absolutely amazing.  I am no Oakland fan but I remember cheering for them as they chased this record.  I am not sure if I cheered because they were the underdog (I am a huge fan of the underdog) or simply because I was a baseball fan but I do know the world looked on.  On September 4, 2002, the Oakland Athletics were playing for the record 20 game streak.  They started strong and took an 11-0 lead over the Kansas City Royals. It was only the 3^rd inning and the victory seemed inevitable.  Kansas City did not give up easily though and fought back scoring 5 runs in the 4^th, 5 runs in the 8^th and tied the score at 11-11 in the top of the 9th inning.  The Oakland A’s has blown an 11 run lead which takes the game to the bottom of the 9^th where Scott Hatteberg was brought up as a pinch hitter.  Scott Hatteberg had a prominent role in this Moneyball season as the Oakland A’s picked him up when nobody really wanted him.  It was a dramatic moment that ended in dramatic fashion when Scott Hatteberg hit a home run to end the game and secure that 20^th consecutive victory.  The movie does a great job of capturing the moment and I do not own the words to do justice to the chills I get each time I watch Hatteberg pumping his fist rounding the bases……that exuberant feeling as his teammates rush the field literally going insane.  I have had those moments in my lifetime.  I flash back to them as if they happened yesterday.  I can remember every big hit or big moment I had that warranted a high five from my Dad.  It is that exuberance…..that amazing winning feeling that running provides to everyone that gives the sport a chance.  Whether you are the fastest runner or the slowest runner, crossing the finish line is a game winning home run.  It is the end to a lot of hard work.  It is the culmination of a journey that every runner and walker gets to experience and I so badly wanted my son to know what it felt like.  I wanted him to know he was amazing and capable and a winner.  My hope was that running with his Dad might lead him to this experience.

Pre race warm up

Well, this takes us to March 24, 2012.  It is the Great Race of Agoura and a very big day on many levels.  I am coaching the Summer 2012 Westside Marathon team with Lori Jomsky and this was the day many of our amazing teammates would complete their very first 10K.  It was the day they would put on a bib and a timing chip and cross the finish line to experience what it is like to win.  This was of course also the day that Jaden and I would be running in his 2^nd 5K.  I really did not know what to expect.  I did not want him to feel pressure to get a PR.  I wanted to set up the day so that he was proud of himself crossing the finish line.  As we were warming up to get ready for the start of the race, I stopped Jaden and tried to feel out where his head was.  I told him that we should go have fun and just use a sub 30 minute time as a general guideline.  My son had other plans.  He told me he wanted to go for the personal record and, at that moment, I was just proud for his desire to do so.  He was showing a belief in himself that was great to see. 

The gun goes off and the start of the race is actually downhill.  Consistent with what I always say, I told Jaden that this was a gift and that we were going to take whatever gravity would allow us. To get Jaden’s PR we needed to keep a 9:10 pace and the downhill had us way ahead of goal early into the race.  I did not want to tell Jaden how fast we were going because I didn’t want him to freak out.  He was not working hard so I felt we were okay.  The race continued and my hope was simply to make it to mile 2 before Jaden started to hurt or break down.  As it turns out, this is exactly what happened.  Mile 2 hit and I heard the first whines coming from my son.  This is where I did everything in my power to distract him.  I tried to remind him we only had one mile left.  I tried to remind him we had run a mile together many times.  I tried to point out other kids approximately his age so that he would stare at their backs and try to stay with them.  I even risked telling him our average pace...8:08…far faster than he had ever gone before.  I told him there was a slight chance at sub 8 (because we had picked up the pace) to which he said nothing.  One might assume he didn’t care but I think that time sunk in because he held on strong.  It was all working until mile 2.5 and then the whine got a little louder.  Jaden wanted to hold my hand as we ran.  I reached out to grab his hand, give it a little squeeze and then told him he could do this on his own.  At about mile 2.75, my son got very grumpy.  No matter what I said, he loudly replied ‘NO’.   Literally, this was his reply to everything I said because he was feeling some pain.  I was just running beside him trying to get him to stay tough.  The pace was all his doing and not influenced by me.  Despite the whining and the ‘NO’ chant, he kept going and we finally got close enough to the finish line that he knew where we were.  As it does for most people, this sense of being close to the end provided some strength and he drove to the finish line.  While I never stop the watch crossing the finish line…….this time I did because my son would want to know his time.  I looked down to see we had averaged under 8 minutes for the 5K.  My son closed out with a 7:40 mile, the fastest by far he had ever run.  Two steps across the finish line, my son threw up a tiny bit.  I upset someone for sharing that I felt proud of my son when I saw this but I am not here to impress anyone.  That is exactly what I felt…..proud.  I knew he was not hurt.  I knew he would be fine.  I also knew that my son had not held back.  Jaden believed in himself…..he left everything out there on the course and that was an amazing moment for my son.  I showed him the watch and could tell he was so proud of himself.  It was the Scott Hatteberg, bottom of the 9^th homerun I had hoped for.  We picked up our medals……..very important to a 7 year old……and on the way to the car I stopped my son, made him look me in the eye and I told him to remember this moment.  I told him to remember he is worthy and he is amazing and that he can accomplish anything in life that he wants to.  I told him to never doubt himself for what he had just done was remarkable. For a little boy that doesn’t always focus, he did not take his eyes off of me.  It was a moment I will always remember and, although he is young, I hope my son remembers it too.

Today is Saturday, April 14, 2012.  In two days, I have to go see Jaden’s doctor.  I have no idea what he is going to say.  I am afraid of what he might tell me because I never want my son to feel different or ‘less than’.  I do not want a label to affect how my son feels about himself.  As I said above, I do not want a doctor trying to push medicine on my child.  I lost one child.  I will not lose another one to medicine that changes who Jaden is. This leads me to the song Perfect by Pink.  I have never heard Pink sing the song but I recently heard a rendition on television and the words struck home for me.

Pretty pretty please!

Don’t you ever ever feel

Like you’re less than, less than perfect

Pretty pretty please

If you ever ever feel like you're nothing…..you are perfect to me.

To my son, I Love You and I Love who you are.  You have the biggest heart in the world and we will figure things out.  Your Dad has not always been the best Dad on the planet and you deserve that Dad.  I have yelled more than I would like.  I have showed less patience than I would like and less patience than you deserve.  I have been getting better.  I will try even harder and I can see over the past few days that we are making progress.  Always know that you are absolutely perfect to me. Together we will work hard to make sure that you do great things with your life.

Love,

Your Dad

Lavaman 2012: Race Day Words for Crea

Tomorrow is Lavaman 2012.  I have done this race the last three years but this time it is my amazing wife that will swim, bike and run this beautiful Kona course.  As her husband, this is what I would like her to know going into race day:

I have talked to hundreds if not thousands of people about race day and how they should be prepared mentally.  I have told these same people that Race Day ends up being  much more about the journey to the race than the race itself because it is all of the events leading up to the race that you reminisce about when you are covering the miles that lead to the finish line.  For some the journey is the exact amount of time that we met as part of Team in Training.  For others, that journey began long before we met when some significant event took place in their life.  These messages I shared and these messages I have tried to teach myself have never been more applicable than they are to you.  I am sad and proud and blessed all at the same time to have shared the events that led to this race.  I am sad we shared losses.  I am sad my Dad did not have more time to get to know you and I am sad we don’t have Isabella to fill our little condo with a lot more laughter.  I am sad that cancer knocked on your door once and even more sad it decided to visit again.  I am proud of your fight and your strength.  I am blessed by the same and I am blessed to have someone so supportive that affords me the time to fight back against the cancer that touched our lives.  Tomorrow……..I mean it so very much…………….when you toe the sand that is your start line, be proud.  Be very proud.  Everything from there is a bonus.  All you have to do is do everything you have done leading to this day…………….fight.  You are the strongest person I know……….by a landslide.  If doubt enters your head on the swim, remember that you stared cancer in the face and won.  When pain sets in on the bike or if you feel yourself not pushing as hard as you would like, remember that this day and the ability to race is a blessing.  A blessing you fought for.  A blessing you deserve and then hammer those pedals.  When you get to the run……which I know is not your favorite event…………remember all those unpleasant things you already faced and overcame and the run will seem like a cake walk.  Picture cancer trying to take that finish line from you and shove it out of the way.  Know that Isabella is out there with you.  I am sure you will feel her.  When you are tired, know she is at the finish line waiting for you and is proud of her Mom.  So are all your kids. So is everyone that knows you.  So am I.  You are an inspiration.

A Day With An Angel

This post is for our fallen friend, Lisa Kelly.  My words will be short because I want Lisa's words and the words of her best friend, Kim Tracy Prince (@kimtracyprince on Twitter), to do the talking.  I met Lisa in the virtual world where we served as support and motivation for each other. 

My wife was battling cancer. 
Lisa was battling cancer herself. 
Once you know cancer, there is an instant bond with those that know and have shared the pain.

I was proud to know Lisa and blessed to finally meet her in Palos Verdes where I was attending a Team in Training practice to share my story of loss that lead to a story of hope.  That is why I think I instantly bonded to Lisa.  She epitomized hope.  Cancer knocked on her door.  She knocked it down and through it all came out with a big smile that her friends know so well.

I was part of a small group of people that helped motivate Lisa to attempt her first half marathon with Team in Training. This is a big step for anyone but an even bigger step of faith for Lisa because when cancer attacked her.......it attacked her ankle and feet.  Running was painful for reasons you can read below but she put her trust in others that she could cross the finish line.  She had beat cancer.  She was pushing through the pain and I am certain that on January 7, 2012 she would have fulfilled her journey and crossed the Walt Disney World Half Marathon finish line...........perhaps in pain but undoubtedly smiling big.

On November 3rd of 2011 this all changed because Lisa passed away of natural causes.  Lisa's journey ended.  God had other plans. 

I learned of this news in a very emotional email and text from my friend Lori Jomsky (@lj3000 on Twitter).  The news hit me like a brick.  Lisa was doing so well.  The future was so bright for her.  After shedding my own tears for the loss of a friend, my first thought was that we needed to finish this journey for Lisa both from a fundraising and race perspective.  I really think this was everyones first thought and some words heard tonight at a Team in Training event made it clear why this was the case.  John Bingham, the Penquin, was speaking as he usually does at pre race Inspiration dinners.  He spoke of an event he attended with his son tied to giving out Purple Hearts for the Army.  At the event they shared the following warrior oath:

I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade behind.

When John read these words, he thought of Team in Training and how that is what we all do every day.  We place the mission to beat cancer first.  We will never accept defeat nor quit until cancer is a thing of the past....a chapter in the history books.  This we must do because we will never leave a fallen comrade behind.  We will not let one single person touched by cancer be forgotten and will fight hard for those currently affected.

I and a group of friends, immediately started spreading the word on Twitter that although Lisa Kelly had passed, her fundraising page lived on. When those messages hit the virtual world, Lisa was shy of having raised $3,000 but well on her way to her $4,500 fundraising goal.  Within days her fundraising total had reached $7,000 and today that total sits at $17,000.  This is an amazing testament to the person Lisa was.......the inspiration she provided while here.........and the legacy that will continue to live on long after she has passed.  As Kim Tracy Prince confirms below.......it is also a testament to hope.

Tomorrow is January 7th.  At 5:30am, the gun will go off and while Lisa Kelly will not physically be running the Disneyland Half Marathon......her journey will be completed.  Eric Orvieto (@eorvieto on Twitter) and I will be carrying her bib for 13.1 miles to make sure we finish what she started.  She exercised faith in us.  We told her we would get her to the finish line.  Tomorrow we will do just that.

If you would like to read more about Lisa in her own words, please take some time and read her blog: Call Me Dr. Lisa

If you would like to honor Lisa's journey and contribute to her fundraising page, you will find a link at her blog or you can go straight to her team in training page here: Lisa Kelly Fundraising Page

To close, I want to share something that her best friend wrote for the Team in Training Inspiration Dinner tonight.  This was written to inspire, motivate and remember.  In the words of Kim Tracy Prince:

The fact that Lisa Kelly is being honored tonight is a testament to hope:  hope that there is goodness in people, hope for the strength of the human spirit, and the hope that love endures beyond the limits of our physical bodies.

Lisa started training for this race less than a year after surgery on her left foot to remove a recurring tumor.  It was the second such operation she had, and also the second time she recovered with remarkable speed and determination, setting aside self-pity and competing in athletic events to prove to herself that she could beat cancer.  This weekend was to be her first half-marathon.  Her training was coming along nicely even while her foot was causing her great pain as the nerves healed within.  Lisa was healthy, happy 40 year-old woman who was very much looking forward to this event.

However, Lisa passed away on November 3.  Her cause of death was natural but as yet undetermined.

At the time of her death, Lisa was well on her way to her fundraising goal of $4,500.  She was able to gather support from every community she touched - as a physician, she had a large base of support from the medical community.  Her family and friends, who witnessed Lisa's incredible and inspiring journey from cancer patient to triathlete, were among her greatest supporters.  She also gathered the admiration of strangers worldwide by telling her story on her blog and using Twitter and Facebook.

News of Lisa's death spread via personal message and internet updates, and within ten days her fundraising goal had been reached and surpassed.  Because of the power of Lisa's story, friends, family, and strangers alike have donated money to this cause.

As an driven professional, Lisa had allowed physical fitness to take a back seat in her busy life.  She was a neonatologist at Children's Hospital in Los Angeles with a grueling work schedule that included a swift rise up the ranks, the lead on an ambitious national database project, and a commitment to the advancement of international medicine.  She regularly traveled to foreign countries to aid medical workers in destitute communities.  At home, Lisa made time for her family and friends, never passing up the opportunity for a fun adventure if she could fit it in between work commitments.  She was physically active, but not focused on her own health.

In 2007 Lisa was diagnosed with round cell myxoid liposarcoma in her left ankle - basically, a cancerous tumor on the nerve in the inside of her left foot.  Initial treatment options included amputation - a horrifying notion to an active woman who considered herself unlimited.  Her course of treatment eventually consisted of surgical resection followed by radiation.  The treatment left Lisa in a wheelchair, with months of physical therapy and a complete redefinition of the life in front of her.

The prospect of such a thing happening is daunting to even the most active people, and the event certainly did give Lisa pause and lots of time to feel sorry for herself.  But something happened. Lisa's grueling work with her physical therapist transformed her.  She became obsessed with her progress, changing her diet and her lifestyle to maximize the healthy changes in her body.  In that year, Lisa lost 75 pounds, regained her ability to walk, and decided to compete in a triathlon.  After surgery and radiation that would have left most people barely able to walk within a year, Lisa completed that triathlon and became a true athlete - a person for whom physical activity was not just helpful, but necessary to her very spirit.

Lisa loved the rush of running, biking, and swimming.  She craved exercise, even leaning on it to get her through emotional stress.  Training was like therapy for her mind as well as her body.  It was only fitting that she chose to compete in races for fundraising purposes as well.  She was a very giving person, who used competitions as opportunities to educate and inspire everyone around her.

Lisa did not often dwell on the cancer in personal conversations.  She preferred to keep her fear and suffering to herself.  It was through her workouts and her goals of competition that she felt she was beating the cancer, that she was living her commitment to thrive, not just talking about it.  In a way, as she wrote on her blog, although she never would have welcomed it, the cancer was a blessing, because her life was better after having gone through it.
epitomized
In its infuriating way, the cancer came back to Lisa's foot in late 2010.  This time her treatment was more invasive - in addition to the tumor, part of the very nerve that gave feeling to the bottom of her left foot had to be removed.  She was left with a numb foot, and far less mobility than after the first surgery.

But this time Lisa's body was in much better shape to withstand the trauma of surgery and followup therapy, and by then she was addicted to exercise.  Within days of the operation in January of 2011, her occupational therapist approved Lisa to do chair workouts.  Within a month she was up on crutches, and soon she announced her commitment to compete in a triathlon only 8 months after surgery.  On the way to that event, Lisa signed up with Team in Training, a group that brought her something she didn't even realize she wanted:  a new family.  In them Lisa found people who were as fanatical about training as she was, and who were there for many of the same reasons.

This is a quote from her blog:...it's not just about the races, the athleticism.   I want to give back to the cancer community that has supported me. I want fewer people to know this pain and fear. I want cancer in all its forms to become treatable, for fewer people to die.  Raising money for Pediatric Cancer Research as a part of the Malibu Tri, raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society as a part of training for the Walt Disney World half marathon - somehow this makes sense to me.  It feels right.  I chose to give back rather than kick, scream and cry.  (Though, I've done that too).
When someone dies, we want to kick and scream and cry, and we do that, but then we need something else to do.  Many, many people directed their grief and anger to Lisa's Team in Training website and donated money so that her training would not be in vain.   Because people all over the world feel her absence, Lisa's efforts will still help cancer patients, and not just right now.  Even after years pass and Lisa Kelly's name is not on our lips every day, the work she did during her life will continue to silently, thanklessly help people.

She may not be here to run in the race this weekend, but Lisa's shining energy that made people so happy will be carried on by her training comrades.  This honor is not only for Lisa, but also for the spirit of hope that she represented.  If this astounding fundraising success can happen because of one person, think about the power of what you are all doing.  Lisa showed us that there is hope for us all.

2011 Ironman Wisconsin Race Recap

As I sit down to begin writing this race report, it has been over two months since I participated in Ironman Wisconsin.  Some of the delay in getting this report finished ties to a crazy life that leaves me very little spare time.  That being said, I think most of the delay is a result of my brain needing time to process and deal with a not so great day.  There were plenty of reasons why the day was not great but I hold myself accountable to push past obstacles and I did not do a great job at that with this race.  I will recap what I know went wrong but please note that none of these are meant to be excuses.  My time is 13:45:57.  Honestly before sitting down to write this report I could not have told you what my time was (at the point where the day fell apart, I didn’t really keep my eye on the clock……..just gave everything I could to get to the finish line).  I believe I was in much better shape than a 13:45.  I am not talking sub 11….although I think with the right amount of bandwidth in my life I could get there……but I certainly was in a position to break 12 hours.  That very simply is why I struggle with this race.  I was poised to have a great day.  Training was going perfect…..or at least as perfect as my life allows.  Ridiculous events intervened and I didn’t cope with them well.

Ironman Wisconsin according to my kids

I had hoped the weeks subsequent to the race would allow me the time to feel better about my performance but that simply has not happened.  I unfortunately look back on this race as somewhat of a letdown even though I know I should be proud to have pushed through and crossed the finish line.  To me, not crossing really is not an option so that thought never enters my head.  I do these races for very personal reasons.  It would take a serious crash and the inability to walk to keep me from the finish line.  Sometimes it is the very personal reasons that create the letdown.  I look inside myself to rethink what I could have done to get better results.  I remember being on the course talking to Isabella and my Dad and apologizing.  There was also a time I was in excruciating pain on the bike where I told Isabella to hang with me and keep me whole long enough to get to the run but we will get to that later.  Anyway, what follows is my day.  I tried to reason never writing this report but one day I will want to look back and remember the experience.  Some time in the future I will also want my kids to read about this day.  I saw them a few times during the run but ‘Ironman’ for them is something very different.  They spent their day with Mom at a children’s museum having no idea about the details of my day.  My son, Jaden, wants to do an Ironman at some point in the future but he probably could not define exactly what that entails.   Maybe these words will make a difference for him and for my daughter Thalia.

As I stare at the computer, putting words to paper is a struggle but this is what I came up with:

I will begin with a quick recap of the months of training leading up to Sunday August 21^st.  In summary, they went much better than I had expected.  When I signed up for Ironman Wisconsin, I wrote a post about it (click here) describing that, for me, the race was not about time.  It was about the journey and many other things.  I lead a very crazy life.  I work a lot.  I put a lot of time into charity.  I put a lot of time into my family.  Ironman training would have to work around all of this which meant a lot of late night runs, late night bike trainer workouts and many early mornings of exactly the same.  Outside of my long rides, I would say that 85% of my workouts took place while the sun was down.  Even those long weekend rides began as the sun was cresting my garage.  I had fellow peeps signed up to compete in Wisconsin but they usually start later in the morning and that would limit time with the family which was not part of my plan.  If it were not for my amazing friend, Emily Conlon, all of my rides would have been solo.  She was brave enough to battle my crazy hours and a friend enough to provide me some company on my journey and for that I will always be grateful.  If I am to say any more about my training season, I would say that my swim workouts suffered, as exected, because of my schedule.  My training schedule included 3 swims per week but not once did reality match the schedule. Many times, I only managed 1 swim during the week.  With about 45 days until race day, I panicked about the swim and tried to cram by using a pool buoy.  To build for the long distance, I made myself pull for 2,000 yards each of my remaining swim workouts.  Not kicking and having to use my upper body was my attempt to make up for lost time.

This takes us up to August 20^th.  Emily and I signed up for the Cool Breeze Century.  I love this ride and I certainly love hanging with my friend so this was to be a great day and a great day is exactly what was delivered.  We rode the distance averaging 18mph and I did not even feel winded.  On this day, I would have run a kick ass marathon off the bike.  I ended this day feeling unstoppable.  I had made it through my last long ride completing an injury free 9 months of training. I would have one more 4-2 brick (4 hour ride followed by a 2 hour run in case you made it here without knowledge of triathlon training) the following weekend and then enter my taper to race day.  This 4-2 brick would never come because of a ridiculous fluke accident the following day, August 21^st.

August 21^st was also to be an amazing and emotional day.  A great friend to many, Laura Maloney, wanted to have a party.  It was called Laura’s Heart Warming Party and it would not be any ordinary get together.  I met Laura through Team in Training where she has been a participant on my marathon team but more importantly has been an honored teammate for as long as I can remember.  You see Laura is a blood cancer survivor and helps keeps participants connected to the cause.  She unfortunately has recently seen cancer come knocking again and it has her very sick.  We had been having some difficult conversations about the future and in one of those conversations, the importance of this party was made clear to me.  As such, I reached out to another friend, Lori Jomsky, and we proceeded to make the party happen.  Laura has a lot of friends that are very loyal so the extent of this party planning was to set up a Facebook event and send it out.  From there, the party took care of itself.  Plenty of food, drink and people showed up at Laura’s house.  It was a tough day for me (and probably most in attendance) because it was obvious cancer was taking its toll on our friend.  Cancer had made our friend physically weak but it certainly had not penetrated her spirit, which remained as strong as ever.  This spirit helped make for an incredible day.  It was amazing to see all of the love and support showed by so many people.  You might be wondering how an amazing party for a cancer fighting friend could possibly interfere with my path to Ironman Wisconsin.  Well, at some point during this party, my friend Javier Rivera decided to throw me in the pool.  This sounds innocent enough but in my attempt to resist, Javier and I fell to the ground on the way to the pool.  When I got out of the water, folks pointed to my bleeding knee and foot.  I was perturbed at what I knew would be an inconvenience but the wound didn’t look too bad.  I figured everything would be fine in a day or two but this all changed when I got home and began to clean the wounds.  I poured Hydrogen Peroxide on my foot and when the foam cleared it was obvious the wounds were far deeper than I had anticipated.  I became very concerned and as hours, days and weeks went by, my concerns were validated because the wounds refused to heal.  In hindsight I should have went straight to the doctor but you live and learn.

 

From August 21^st through race day, I would not be able to train.  I would not……..except for a one hour work meeting……even be able to put on a shoe.  No matter what I did, the wounds would not heal.  I missed my 4-2 brick.  I missed every workout.  With about a week to go, I finally went to see the doctor and he gave me some antibiotic to put on the wounds after telling me my race was at risk.  Those were the words I both feared and knew were coming.  All I could do was use the antibiotics and pray.  To say I was frustrated in the 3 weeks leading up to race day would be an enormous understatement. 

•I was frustrated because I had done everything right for 9 months.  I had remained injury free and with the race in sight I felt it had been stripped from me.

•Training for an Ironman takes a lot of time…..time that I already said is in short supply in my life.  Between my wife, and myself so many things were rearranged to allow me the opportunity to compete.  To go through all of that for so long and then have something obscure intervene was tough to accept.

•I was also frustrated at myself for being upset with Javier.  He is a great friend and an even more amazing person.  I wanted to reach out and make him feel better about everything but I couldn’t and for that I will always be sorry.  Truthfully, much of my desire to heal was so that Javier would not feel bad.  I wanted to have an amazing race day so that Javier would not bear any weight from this stupid accident. 

That didn’t happen though.  My race was not amazing but I would like to go on record to Javier and say I am truly sorry.  I know my friend would never intentionally do anything to harm my race or me.  It was all simply unfortunate circumstances that we can chalk up to a bumpy journey to race weekend.  I really am disappointed in myself for letting all of this get into my head.  As a coach I have shut people down many times during the taper to race day.  When it came to my own experience, I let the lack of training down the stretch cut into all that confidence I had built up for 9 months.  In my defense, some of this lack of confidence came from some intense pain and a complete lack of understanding of how a foot that looked as horrible as mine could hold up for 140.6 miles.

Race Weekend

Before getting to the race, I want to quickly comment on the days leading up to the race.  Most folks know I am very active with Team in Training, which is all tied to my story shared on this blog.  A few years ago, some fellow Team in Training friends created So Cal Collective.  To be a member of So Cal Collective, you have to meet the following criteria:

a)be a Team in Training alumni, and

b)have completed or be training for a Half or Full Ironman.

So Cal Collective Practice Swim

The group has grown significantly over the years which makes sense given the exploding popularity of triathlon in general.  Although a member of So Cal Collective, I have not been very active training with my teammates……….not because I do not want to but because of the scheduling issues I have already documented in this report.  It really is the story of my life.  Even at Team in Training, I am crazy active in the teams I coach but rarely show up to practice for the teams I participate on.  I raise a lot of money so I do not think folks mind except for those that miss my remarkable sense of humor.  Anyway, the days in Wisconsin leading up to the race afforded me the opportunity to meet many of my So Cal teammates for the 1^st time.  This really was a highlight for me and, truth be told, it made me a little sad for all the training time I missed with them.  Everyone was very cool.  All were Great people!  They made me feel welcome even though I was an absent team member.

Pre Race Dinner with So Cal Collective

We grabbed meals together for the first few days until Crea, Jaden and Thalia would arrive on Friday night, September 9^th.  I even did my first workouts in 3 weeks with these guys.  I had a 20 minute swim in Lake Monona then we all took a very short ride to test bikes followed by a 2 mile run.  Albeit short workouts they were enough to raise some concern for me.  Just 20 minute in the water and my much healed wounds got soft and opened up.  If 20 minutes had an impact, what would a 1.5 hour swim do? (yes……..I am slow in the water).  On the bike, my foot didn’t feel too bad but on the run, the flex in my shoe was hitting right where my foot wounds were.  It did not feel pleasant but at this point I had a better attitude.  I would do what I could do.  I think my teammates helped in this regard.  Many of my new friends were battling their own issues….IT bands, calves, etc, etc.  Several already anticipated walking the entire marathon.  They had a good attitude about it though and that helped to make me stronger.

Saturday, September 10^th arrived………..I dropped off my bike and my transition bags and back to the hotel I went.  Usually this process is very stressful for me.  If you haven’t done a full Ironman, you are used to dropping off all of your gear race morning.  At 140.6 events you drop your bike and gear off the day before.  Saying goodbye to your belongings can be a little intense but I wasn’t too concerned this time around.

Saturday night……..off to bed.

Race Day 

Race morning, as they always do, started bright and early. I would argue that most race mornings start the night before because your mind is already on the race when your head hits the pillow.  Instead of a sound sleep, your mind is living out the race before it happens or simply making sure you never hit too sound a state out sleep out of fear of oversleeping. I had rented a separate hotel room for my gear…..yes it gets its own room so I don’t stress about my kids disrupting everything I have set out.  I usually would sleep in this room the night before the race but on this race morning I woke up with the rest of the family.  For some reason, I just wanted to be close with them before this day kicked off.  I am not really sure why but one reason is probably that I would not see them until the run on race day.  Ironman starts too early for a 3 and 7 year old and especially a Mom that would have to wake them up, get them ready and fight the crowds alone with them.  That plus the fact that the bike course really does not bring you back to town until your 112 miles are behind you meant I was many hours from seeing any of them again.

I got out of bed well before my alarms went off and made my way to the ‘gear’ hotel room where I ate some of my breakfast and prepared my fluid for the bike.  I went through my Special Needs bags to make sure I had what I needed.  Special Needs, for those unfamiliar with Ironman distance races, is basically the half way point of the bike and the half way point of the run.  You can put things you might need at that point of the race.  For me, my bike Special Needs bag includes hydration/nutrition for the second half of the ride plus CO2 cartridges/tubes in case the 1^st half of the race was a battle with flat tires.  Because my foot was a big uncertainty I also put in extra socks in anticipation of a bloody mess.  My run Special Needs bag had more socks and a sleeve of Shot Blocks.  Once I finished breakfast I woke up Crea as I promised her I would.  One last hug, a pre race photo and I was off.

Swim start to the right.  Helix to the left. You bike up that at the end of the ride.

After a mile walk I arrived at the race site.  I dropped off my bags, visited my bike to drop off my Garmin and hydration then found some SoCal peeps and chilled out.  I guess before I chilled out, I doctored up my foot.  I covered all my wounds in Liquid Bandage hoping to keep it dry before getting to the bike.  I had a bottle of Liquid Bandage in each of my transition bags as well.  Anyway, with 30 minutes to go or so, we all proceeded to head to the water, get in our wetsuits and take a test swim.  The water was calm and felt great.  After the test swim, we all just stood at the edge of the water waiting for the 7am start.  While waiting I decided to make sure my watch was ready to go and set to chronograph.  I do not swim with my Garmin.  It is on the bike.  I use a Timex Ironman for tracking my race time.  When I looked down at my watch, it was blank…..BLANK.  Not simply on the wrong setting but completely dead.  Crea had taken my watch to get the battery replaced before coming to meet me in Wisconsin.  She tried out a new shop that apparently did not waterproof the watch so I was minutes away from race start with no ability to track my time.  I was so upset that I threw my watch into Lake Monona (sorry Wisconsin!) where it probably still sits today.

As a side note here, a dead watch really should not have mattered.  When I registered for this race, it wasn’t about the time.  When my foot injury transpired, race day was even less about the time.  I had many conversations with my wife and Emily Conlon about my mental state regarding race day.  They were supportive that if I gave 110% I should be proud and that pushing through the obstacles should be what I am proud of.  Crossing the finish line is what I should be proud of.  I told myself the time didn’t matter a 1,000 times but my actions kept showing I didn’t take it to heart.  I cannot figure out why really.  I think it is because I have friends, both real and virtual, that I didn’t want to disappoint. I think it is because I know what I am capable of and regardless of what I say, I have internal time expectations.  If I am minutes or hours beyond those expectations, I have to wonder and doubt.  “Did I really give 110%?”  “Could I have stretched the run interval by 30 seconds without falling on my face?”  Sorry for all of these tangents.  As I write, I really am not sure I will ever advertise this post.  It is feeling like an internal discussion and battle as I try to come to grips with the results.  If you are reading this, I apologize.  My struggle is all tied to putting in so much time for something and not having it go as planned.  Given my story, you would think I should be an expert at this by now but I guess I have more to learn.

Within the mayhem hundreds are being kicked right now

Back to the race………the pros begin their journey minutes before the age groupers and then we are asked to enter the water.  The Ironman Wisconsin swim is an open water start.  By this I mean we are not all standing on the shore charging the lake when the gun goes off……..we are all in the lake treading water when the gun goes off.  I am not so fast in the water so I tend to stay to the rear of the pack.  It is interesting how everyone has their own swim start strategy.  Some hug the buoy line which for this race is to our left.  Some start extreme right and take an angle approach to the first turn.  The advantage of being slower is that none of this matters.  I went to the middle, right near the ski ramp in photos, and stayed back 25 yards to let the faster people go first.  Part of this is of course respect because I do not like being in a marathon when slower runners crowd the front corrals making it a lot of work to get around them and the other part, of course, is that I do not want to get trampled and kicked…….which is virtually impossible to avoid.  Most people are aware of this but just in case…..in an Ironman, everyone starts at the same time.  Most other distance races have wave starts so that you are beginning with, at most, a few hundred people at the start.  At Ironman, the swim start is mayhem as you can see from the photo above.  One advantage to the mass start for me is that I do not have to feel bad when all the pink caps scream past me…….they started with me.  In a wave start you may have 4-5 minutes on the wave behind you.  For me, many times the wave behind me is women.  My goal in wave starts…….try to at least get to one buoy before the women catch me (barely and rarely happens).

At 7am, the outrageously loud canon goes off and the swim begins without much exciting to report.  I swim and am quickly hugging the buoy line.  I am excited I am not completely alone as with every breath I see folks. I catch a person or two but, again, starting at the back makes it tough to pass and be passed.  I remember the sun at various times was blinding.  I had brought tinted lenses but on my test swim they seemed to leak a bit so I went with the clear pair I had been using in the pool.  They didn’t leak but they made it hard to see when staring at the sun.  I made it to the first turn (Wisconsin is a 2 loop swim) of the first loop and, as advertised, it was a log jam.  Everyone was doggy paddling trying to wait for space so this definitely cut into time but I was not worried because I didn’t expect too much on the swim nor did I have any idea of the time.   The unfortunate part is that when I thought I finally had space to begin swimming around this first buoy, I got kicked very hard in the face.  I had been kicked many times before on a swim but this was by far the worst I took a foot to my face.  I was very angry.  I let it go and kept swimming and wouldn’t think about it much until the next day when it took me a minute to remember why the left side of my face was so sore.  The remaining 1.9 miles was uneventful.  I remember not feeling amazing…..nauseous a bit.  This bummed me out a little but I tried to let it go.  On the second loop I could definitely feel the effects of not swimming enough throughout my training and of not swimming at all down the stretch tied to my foot injury.  I was getting tired.  My pull was suffering but I just kept swimming, just kept swimming.  I finally made the last turn and was heading to shore.  I remembered the last time I turned to shore was at Ironman Florida where I had a good view of a shark 10 feet below me.  I gave a silent thank you to Wisconsin for not being next to the ocean and continued on.  I got out of the water, was relieved and tired and emotional.  It was very strange but a wave of emotion came over me.  I am not sure why but guess it is tied to the emotion of the last 3 weeks leading up to race day.  This day had been at risk and at least I was here.

I headed into transition.  I did not feel rushed because I wasn’t overly concerned with my time but I tried to be efficient and get moving.  Once dressed I stopped by the sun block station where they lathered me up.  They certainly did not skimp on the block as you can see in photos.  I was a sea of white lotion.  From there I was off to get my bike then out on the course for a 113 miles……yes I did say 113 miles.

It felt good to be on the bike.  Even though I had not rode in weeks, I had a good training season on the bike and felt ready to go.  I had trained on plenty of hills riding at least 2,500 feet of climb each week that would be needed on what was to be a tough bike course.  The Wisconsin bike course is referred to as a lollipop course.  You head 16 miles out of town then do two 40-mile loops then head back into town on that same 16 mile stretch.

One thing I failed to mention here is that I was using race wheels.  While this shouldn’t be a big deal I certainly made it one leading up to race day.  At the 11^th hour I decided to rent race wheels and every hour on the hour for 2 weeks I questioned whether I should use them or not.  You are not supposed to try anything new and although wheels are not a big deal, I was using a Zipp 808 on the back which requires a valve extender which I had never used before.  My huge fear on the bike is not the distance……….it is flat tires.  To use a new wheel set and a valve extender and tires I had no history with (meaning they could have 3,000 miles on them already) had me stressed out.  To make a long story short, I ended up talking to many people, probably upsetting folks at the wheel rental company (Race Day Wheels were amazing and I highly recommend them) with my ridiculous questions but ultimately made the decision to use them. 

The 16 miles out were uneventful.  Truthfully, much of this write up will be uneventful because I really get in my own head and zone out to surroundings.  To this day I will get race day photos where I am beside some amazing landscape that I cannot even remember.  What I did remember was a lot of corn and surroundings that were far different than I was used to seeing in Southern California.  I remember thinking as a large tractor reminiscent of Frank in the Disney movie Cars crossed the road that I may never see something like this again.  There were enormous barns and silos that I had only seen in books or photos but never in person.  It was all very surreal.  There were people all over the place cheering on the bike course.  There were very large crowds when you made it to the start of the 40-mile loop.  I believe they were there to cheer us on knowing the big hills were to come.

IM Wisconsin has a lot of this

I was about an hour in and had finished my first bottle of fluid which quickly lead to the realization of my first problem.  I did what you should never do……….changed my nutrition plan for race day.  In my defense, I had tested the new plan….or so I had thought.  In training, I use Nuun and CarboPro.  It always works for me I just hate dealing with the fizz of the Nuun which can get messy as I open up bottle caps.  I had stumbled across GuBrew in a local shop a few weeks before the race and decided to give it a shot.  There were two flavors but what really caught my eye was that the Blueberry-Pomegranite flavor had 490mg of sodium which is far more than I was getting in my Nuun mixture.  I am a heavy sweater and battle salt loss and as such cramping.  I thought GuBrew might finally be the answer to a long fought battle.  I also wear a race belt which allows me to carry electrolyte pills but getting more sodium into my drink would be a good thing because it would allow me to zone out more and not focus on remembering to take the pills.  I drank GuBrew every day for weeks before the race.  It tasted good and did not upset my stomach in any way so I figured I was good to go.  I was actually very excited about using it.  There was only one problem here.  I have room on my bike for one bottle on the cage and one Aerobottle on my aero bars.  Many people use a rear hydration system off their seat but I cannot because of a freakish reverse Michael Phelps body.  He has a long upper body and shorter legs which is a great thing for a swimmer.  I am the opposite……..very long legs and a shorter upper body.  This makes bike fitting a challenge.  I am tall enough to be in a 60” or larger frame but because of my build this would have me reaching too far for the handle bars.  As such, I actually take a step down on frame size which pushes my seat to a place that is very challenging to fit a rear hydration system.  Long story short, this forces me to carry 3 hours of hydration/nutrition in 2 bottles (3 hours will get me to special needs where I can pick up new bottles).  Because of this, I create one bottle of nutrition at double strength.  I double the amount of Nuun and double the scoops of CarboPro. 

Side note here.  I keep referring to hydration/nutrition on the bike.  This is because I get all of my calories through my drink.  The CarboPro is a flavorless powder that gives me carbs and calories.  I do not eat bars or any real food. Each bottle of fluid for me will have 500+ calories.

Back to this double strength bottle.  It has never been an issue with Nuun so I did not think a double strength bottle of GuBrew would be a problem.  Here is where my claim to be perfect fails miserably.  I was very wrong.  I went to take the first sip from the double strength bottle and it was like the thickest milkshake I had ever drank.   It was very difficult to get the fluid out which made the rest of the ride challenging.  After I drink my single strength bottle, I always toss it and then grab a bottle of water.  I did this in Wisconsin but I tried to use the water to ‘water down’ my milk shake concoction.  I also needed to use the water to cool down so the end result is that I drank too little and took in far too few calories.  That double strength bottle was supposed to get me to special needs but it lasted the entire ride which meant I would be a few bottles and many calories behind where I needed to be.  I wish I could say that this was my only biking issue but it was not.  What are the other issues you ask?  Here they are:

•In order to take some strain off of my foot injury, I slightly adjusted the cleat on the bottom of my left foot.  I knew there was risk to this but I really didn’t have a choice.  I could not have too much pressure on the open wound so this adjustment was my solution.

Making one of many turns at one of many barns

The end result of this slight adjustment was horrible foot pain everywhere else on my left foot.  Again, I knew this was all a risk but I had to try it.  The slight adjustment multiplied by a lot of miles led to truly excruciating pain.  No need to go into detail except for this one story, which leads to the next issue.  I do not know exactly where I was but it was towards the first part of the second bike loop.  I was beginning a hill climb and when I applied pressure with my left foot, the pain was so horrible my eyes watered and I must have let out a loud yell because a fellow athlete asked if I was okay.  I didn’t even respond because I was so frustrated and literally fighting back tears of pain.  From this point forward, I rode every hill pulling and pushing with only my right leg.  I could not apply hill climbing pressure to the left foot anymore.  The pain was bad but bearable on downhill and flats so for those I used both legs/feet.

•Last issue was simply bike mechanics.  I am not sure why but I kept dropping the chain when switching to the big ring.  I was shifting down before the change but it didn’t matter.  I almost crashed a few times because of the difficulty trying to get it back on leading into the hill.  Anyway, I became so frustrated with this that for the last half of the 2^nd 40 mile loop, I stayed in the big ring.  If you combine this with the fact I was climbing with one leg and the fact that I was falling behind on nutrition, you can see where the rest of the day was headed.

This all being said, it was a fun ride.  The town was amazing.  The landscape was surreal and an amazing change of scenery for me.  The crowds were incredible…..seriously incredible! I wish I had felt better to thank all of them because the hills were full of spectators cheering everyone to the top.  There was one particular small country road hill climb I will never forget.  It was a narrow road and there were people everywhere.  It felt like a scene out of Tour De France.  You actually had to pay attention because people were running up and down the hill and crossing the street.  The mayhem wasn’t annoying.  It was spectacular and made me feel on top of the world despite all the battles I felt I was facing.

After the second 40 mile loop was done, needless to say I was relieved.   One good thing I did on the bike was to NOT look at my pace.  Here is one place I accepted I could only do what I could do.  As long as I was giving 110% of whatever I had, the pace would be what the pace would be.  I vowed not to look at my speed until I at least hit 90 miles.    Wherever it was that I first looked at the watch, I remember thinking it was slow but I do remember thinking I left what I had on the bike course.  I was worked and in a lot of pain.  Cramps had started to reveal themselves now and then so I knew the rest of the day would be fun. I did the math in my head and realized if I pushed hard, I could exit the bike under 6.5 hours.  That is not great on any other day but today I would consider it a victory and it was something to shoot for.  I was using my right leg/foot to try and power myself.  I used my left foot but really mainly on the pull….not the push.  My speed picked up and I just tried to hammer it home. If you look at my time, you will see that I did not finish the bike sub 6.5 hours.  Truthfully though, I did reach my goal.  At 112 miles, my watch showed me just under 6 hours 30 minutes but off to my right about a mile away was the transition area.  I think the course had been modified a bit and on this day I would ride just over 113 miles.  I would blame the Garmin except every single person I talked to said the same thing…….”who stretched the bike course”.  Anyway, I came into transition which someone very evil created.  When you arrive at the bike finish, transition is on the top level of a parking garage so you have to climb the helix at the Monona Terrace.  EVIL!!!!  It was over though so I knew at the top of this climb I would get off the bike.  I reached the dismount line and had to pause for a second.  Cramps were getting worse so I had one of the volunteers help me to avoid a sprawl to the ground writhing in cramping pain.

Off to transition.  Again, I didn’t feel rushed. My time was nothing to write home about and I could tell my cramps and foot pain would make the next 26.2 miles a challenge.  I changed tops, tried to make up for some of that lost nutrition, put on my running shoes and hobbled out of transition. 

Here is where I really tried to grit my teeth and tell my body to FUC* OFF.  I took off.  My foot was killing me but I ignored it.  Tiny jolts of cramp kept hinting at things to come but I went out as if I was fresh and could pull a 3:30 on the marathon…….a time my training indicated was a real possibility.  In training, I figured worse case my marathon time was to be 3:45.  That is how I ran leaving transition.  I don’t know my pace but I am sure it was sub 8:00 for a brief period of time.  Very early in the race as I was near the capital I heard someone yell Chris and I knew it had to be my family.  Someone then yelled Crea which I figured was someone trying to tell me my wife was there.  I could not stop so I just kept going.  As I hit the Capital Building, the soon to be winner came down towards the shoot.  DEPRESSING!!!  Anyway, I tried to hold it together but it didn’t last too long.  All the work I had put on my right leg came back in a crippling cramp that stopped me cold.  I was upset.  I punched and squeezed my leg hoping it would subside.  I tried to run again but the cramps came back in full force.  I quickly made the decision to try a 3-1 interval.  I would run 3 minutes, walk 1 minute.  My hope was that I could hold off the cramps for 3 minutes then use the 1 minute to recover pushing the cramps farther away….then repeat.  It actually worked for a bit.  I kept a respectable pace for 2 of the 3 minutes, fought cramps for one minute then walked. I honestly have no idea where I ever was on the run but soon after I had missed my chance to see my family, I came across them again.  Even writing about seeing them months later makes me emotional.  I needed to see them.  It was on the main drag through town.  I stopped to talk to them which would never happen if my time was looking good.  I think that Thalia was asleep.  Jaden told me to do my best and that I would finish.  It was amazing to see Crea.  She is a big reason I race and raise money to fight cancer.  She is a big reason I am who I am.  I don’t know if it was this 1^st visit with her, or the next visit, or every visit but I apologized for my performance.  I know spectating is hard……although after the fact it sounds like they all had a great day at the Childrens Museum……and my issues were going to make for a longer day than I wished for my wife.  I also just want to do things that make my wife proud and I was struggling to be proud of this day even though I really was giving all I had.  Crea told me not to be sorry at all and that she was proud of me and off I went. 

T2 For My Kids

A little while later I ran into a SoCal teammate Andrew Grant who was walking.  He knew he would have to walk the marathon because he was battling horrible IT band issues but I stopped to walk with him a second. We shared a laugh or two……cannot remember at what…….and then I told him about my 3-1 plan. I talked him into giving it a shot and off we went.  About a minute later, Andrew unfortunately had to bow out of the interval but I kept going because I knew I was deteriorating fast.  The rest of the run was much of the same:

Crea Patiently Waiting: "What I found a baby before"

•I drank Coke every chance I could hoping to make up for the missing calories and get in some simple sugars.

•I took my salt pills.

•I punched my quads and hamstrings begging they stop cramping.

•My 3-1 interval kept deteriorating.  It eventually whittled down to a 1-1 interval and I must say the running 1 minute might not have been much faster than the walking minute.  I took very short strides trying not to anger the cramping Gods and because it was hard to put any pressure on my left foot which had unbeknownst to me turned a lovely shade of purple and red.  It was not the wound on my left foot that hurt……..it was the underside of the foot which resulted from the shifting of the bike cleat.  Either way, I was a mess.

The High Five Rule

I was disappointed but tried to savor what I could from the day.  I remember running through the stadium where the Wisconsin Badgers play.  That was very cool.  I remember being on trails at times.  I remember there were always people.  I remember bumping into a SoCal teammate now and then.  I remember trying to cheer on everyone that I passed or was passing me (far more were passing me of course).  I remember if I saw I child with their hand out for a High Five, I did what I could to get there and slap that hand and thank them.  It is kind of a rule…..”no child’s high five hand untouched”.  I feel every little moment in a child’s life has the chance to be influential.  It is only a high five…..I know.  But it is also a moment when a guy in pain thought it important enough to show gratitude for that little child standing on the sidelines.  I saw the family a few more times and some friends too along the way.  Just as with the bike, the crowds were indescribable.  People were everywhere screaming for you.  Despite the feeling of embarrassment at not being able to run fast, I was very grateful for the support.

I made it back to the Capital Building which meant home was near.  I made the last left turn towards the finish.  A guy beside me told me to go ahead so we didn’t share the same photo.  I offered to let him go first but didn’t have the strength to argue so off I went.  My legs were so wobbly.  There was a slight downhill and I just closed my eyes and asked them to hold on for another minute.  They did.  I crossed the finish line hours after I wanted to.  I wish I could say I felt elation at the moment but I didn’t.  I felt pain and disappointment.  I guess I didn’t look too good because 2 volunteers came up to me and asked a bunch of questions.  I must not have been answering correctly because they took me to the medical tent.  I do not remember too much about it.  A bunch of people asking me questions and apparently me giving all the wrong answers.  After some time……..not sure how much……clarity started returning.  I remember a guy beside me asking if it was normal he was peeing blood.  The assistant went to get someone else to provide an answer.  I took a moment to tell this guy it was not normal and he better take a seat.  I think I was supposed to stay there a while but I seized the opportunity when someone new came to ask how I was doing.  Learning from my past, I responded “Fantastic, let’s get me out of here” which is what they did.  I left the medical tent and found my family.  I am sure I apologized again but I really do not remember too much.  I even have pictures on Facebook that a friend took on the walk back to the hotel that for the life of me I don’t remember taking.

Two months have now passed since I turned 3x Ironman.  I still accept my time for what it is.  I am still disappointed and full of questions.  Ironman Wisconsin 2011 was going to be my last Ironman but I am not sure I can go to my grave with this performance as my last.  If this had just been a bad performance, I probably could live with it.  I struggle, however, with some of the circumstances that lead to the bad day so I have begged my wife for one more shot at the title.  I want to go out my way….on my terms.  While I am confident I left all of me on the streets of Wisconsin on September 11, 2011, I would like one more chance to cover 140.6 miles with no asterisks.  I am not sure what race I will choose but hope that 2013 is the year that sees me cross my final Ironman finish line.  I will close by saying while I am not proud of my performance, I am very proud to have crossed the Ironman finish line.  I am grateful to my wife for her support of my endeavor. She gives up so much to let me train for races like these.  I am proud to have shared the day with so many amazing athletes.  I am grateful to the 1,000’s of spectators that cheered for me on race day.  I am grateful to all the kind words on race day from folks on Twitter and Facebook and I apologize to those who had to wait so long for me to finish.  I love this sport.  I love all it represents. It is something I try to carry with me on a daily basis as I do my entire story.  I always say I run to remember so in that sense my ‘extended’ race day gave me a little more time to do so and that cannot be such a bad thing.

One last very good piece of news is that Laura Maloney, my cancer fighting friend mentioned in this recap, is now cancer free. I saw her at a Team in Training Kick Off and she looked much stronger and was doing great.

Final note is that I raised a lot of money to beat cancer on the road to Ironman Wisconsin.  With your help, we raised over $27,000 and I personally reached my lifetime goal of raising over $100,000.  It is now my wife's turn.  She watched me train for hours.  She has seen me complete Lavaman Triathlon the last 3 years with Team in Training.  It is now her turn to carry the torch, fight the fight and show cancer that it lost the battle with her and will ultimately lose the battle with all.  If you would like to help my 2 x cancer fighting wife fight back, the fundraising link at the top of this page is to her site.  I would be honored if you show her the same love that you have shown me over the years.

Seventy Years: 10/9/41

Quick Post. I know I always say that but this time it is a guarantee. Today is October 9, 2011 and it should be a day I am spending with my father. If we were together we would undoubtedly be:

• Watching some football. He would go nuts today with the ability to watch every football game on tv on Sunday....let alone see every game on one screen
• Sharing some laughs. He was a funny guy that would sometimes break off into a Seinfeld like standup routine. The example I always use is when he was on a plane that had been significantly delayed, he decided to help the crew. He dipped his cloth napkin in red wine, wrapped it around his head and proceeded to help pass out drinks pretending to be Rambo. P.S. This is why I have a whacked sense of humor.
• Undoubtedly my Dad would disappear at some point during the day but we would all know he was sneaking in some work in some quiet corner of the house. My Dad imported wine so he would be working on some import documents, organizing (he was a mad list creator) or perhaps doing some stock research.
• He probably would already have ordered the iphone 4S but if he hadn't, we would go order one together. My Dad always had the latest and greatest technology. It was a shame he passed away before getting to see the innovations that have been created over the past few years.
• The day would have to involve some golf. I am not a great golfer but he was a scratch golfer.....self taught. He taught himself most things from reading. I still have a micro cassette recorder with 30 minutes of him stating all the tiny movements he needed to remember on his back swing.
• The day would end with a fine meal out or perhaps with him cooking a nice meal. He was an amazing cook and I think it stemmed from a palate that allowed him to interpret ingredients at a detailed level. He could also eat a meal out then go home and create it.

Anyway, this is what our day would have been. Cancer took the chance for this day away from us on January 12, 2004. After a 15 month battle, cancer won a hard fought battle. As I have said before, this lost battle and this loss for my family lead me to amazing things. I run and bike and sort of swim now because of him. I learned how to fight back because of him. I learned how to lead others because of him. Over the years I have met some amazing people that are out there fighting cancer as well. Today, on behalf of my family and myself and my Dad, I want to thank everyone that has ever joined me in the fight against cancer. Today in particular there are folks out there running or walking for Team in Training or the American Cancer Society's DetermiNation program or for Susan G Komen or for an organization close to their heart. They are most likely doing it with no knowledge of my father but I hope they know their efforts help honor a promise I made to my Dad.....to end cancer.

I talked to my Mother a little while ago. I can hear sadness in her voice. She spent many more years with my father than I did and I can tell she misses him terribly. Time does heal wounds but I do not think you ever get back to 100%. I lost my best friend. She lost her best friend and soul mate. We talked about what Dad might be doing right now. I said that he would probably be golfing with Isabella as his caddy. Usually I think I am right but in this instance, I think my Mom's proposal is the more likely choice. I already mentioned my Dad was a Tech geek......fine leather and very fine pens too. This week we lost an amazing innovator, Steve Jobs. My Mom's theory is that my Dad is in heaven tracking down Steve Jobs to catch up on all the craze of the iPhone and iPad and MacBook Air and iMac, etc, etc, etc. Knowing my Dad, this is exactly what he must be doing which supports the theory that we should not be sad for those that have moved on..........they are in a great place...........we are just sad for the times we can no longer share with those people. I close with a photo of my Dad giving his toast as Best Man on the day

Crea and I married. He spoke through tears saying it is not a fair request to have him speak on such a special day. Just so he can feel we are even, I wrote this little post on a special day....also through tears. Cheers Dad. I am still raising a glass to your 70th birthday today. I miss you. Cancer will go down as promised.