This will be a quick post primarily because the message is communicated very clearly in the email I will include below. For those that know me, you are aware I am a Team in Training marathon coach, you are aware I am passionate about finding a cure for cancer (which stems from the fact it took my father, attacked my wife and runs rampant through the lives of my friends) and you are aware of my belief that the journey to completing a marathon can change your life. I also have been known, on many occasions, to communicate my belief that blessings come from even the worst of times. Yesterday, an email from a past TNT participant and dear friend arrived that served as a reminder and confirmation that all of these beliefs are with merit.
Why am I posting this email? After reading it and sharing a quick tear of sadness and pride, I realized this email might make a difference to those out there contemplating whether or not they should sign up for Team in Training or, for that matter any training program that is attached to a worthy cause. I was drafted to Team in Training because leukemia attacked my father but there are some incredible organizations out there doing amazing things to fight cancer, aids, hunger, MS, Autism and Crohn's disease to name a few (many amazing people participate in these other organizations...ACS DetermiNation, Operation Jack, etc.). Running a marathon certainly will change your life. Running a marathon and completing it for others will forever change you........will make you a stronger person all the while making a difference in the lives of others and changing the world. I always tell my participants they are affecting the lives of people they will never come to know and they are pushing cancer towards the history books where our kids or our kid's kids will not know such horrible diseases but instead will have to turn to page 287 and read about them. To be a part of that effort all the while teaching yourself to push past fears, push past doubts and teach yourself what you are capable of........ it is an amazing journey. If you are thinking about signing up for Team in Training or any other organization but are afraid of the commitment, I would say that is exactly why you SHOULD sign up. Exercise some faith and I promise you will be rewarded beyond your wildest expectations.....my personal guarantee. Here is the email (please know I was given the permission to share this but I have taken out the names):
Hi Coach,
Just wanted to touch base with you... been a while since Cool Breeze. Hope you, Crea and the kids are well.
I was supposed to be going to the Nike Women's Half Marathon this coming weekend, but I won't be able to attend in the end. Also, I am off Facebook, it was too public and complicated for my crazy life, so I am writing you here.
Since January, D has been fighting a recurring ear infection. Ten days ago we found out it wasn't an ear infection. He was leaking cerebral spinal fluid through his eustachean tube and it was wreaking havoc and becoming an antibiotic resistant infection. Monday he underwent a second major surgery at UCLA. I am the one taking care of him, and I've spent the past three days at the hospital. When I'm not there, I'm home, taking care of S.
Every day I wear my TNT jacket. I don't even know why. It's not blood cancer. It's not even cancer. But it makes me feel strong, it reminds me of what I can (and did) accomplish. It reminds me who I am.
And today, when I was leaving the hospital and I walked out into the sun, I thought of you and the other coaches and mentors and teammates I've met in the past two years and how grateful I am that you were the one who was there that night at the library in West Hollywood. Because you shared a little of yourself that night, I knew I wanted to be a part of what you were doing. And it has made all the difference in my life.
So I just wanted to touch base with you, tell you what's going on, and thank you. You were right. It changed my life. And even now, when my head has doubts, my heart jumps in and sets me on the right path. And I smile and thank you. Even now.
Much love to you and your precious family, as always, E
Martin Luther King said "Faith is taking the first step even when you dont see the whole staircase". Take that first step. You won't regret it.
A quick comment to my fellow coaches, mentors and volunteers. When you tell others about your organization, speak from the heart. This friend of mine, despite a very personal story, came to an information meeting unsure of whether she would sign up. Because I spoke about the program at a very personal level, she joined our team and went on to raise over $100,000 for one race. In total she has raised $147,000 to date. We changed her life. She changed mine.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Road to Ironman Wisconsin 2011 Begins
It is a few days since I signed up for Ironman Wisconsin and my head has been swimming with thoughts about the journey ahead. I have known since I crossed the finish line at Ironman Florida in 2008 that I wanted to compete in another event. I tried very hard to keep that desire buried deep inside because I had made a promise to my wife that my next Ironman would only come once she was retired (this promise only tied to the toll it puts on the family). I had made this promise once before..... after completing my first Ironman in 2006 but she granted me a pass so that I could be with my friends in Florida. This time, I needed to make the promise stick. I tried, I really tried.
Since 2008, I have stood on the sidelines of Ironman. I have been a proud sp
ectator and watched many friends complete amazing journey's to complete 140.6 miles. I was lucky
Since 2008, I have stood on the sidelines of Ironman. I have been a proud sp
ectator and watched many friends complete amazing journey's to complete 140.6 miles. I was luckyenough to be in Kona in 2009 to watch my friend, Kyle Garlett (2nd from the left in the photo at right), attempt to complete an Ironman after fending off cancer 4 times and dealing with all the scars those battles left behind.....one of them a weakened heart that ultimately led to a heart transplant. Kyle was unsuccessful in 2009 but is back for 2010 and I am so excited to head back to Kona (with Crea) and be witness to what I am certain will be a successful 2nd attempt.
I was proud to be at IM CDA 2010 where my good friend Emily Conlon (@goingforgoofy) was completing her first IM journey. I had many other friends also competing in this race and was also able to meet some amazing new friends that prior to CDA I had only known in the virtual world (@NYCE, @punkrockrunner and @goSonja). At this event, I witnessed some incredible performances. Emily had an amazing race which saw her carry a huge smile start to finish. I saw Eissa have a rough start due to the very cold water but go on to finish strong. I saw Ron Harvey take full advantage of the Ironman finisher's chute and I saw Sonja qualify for Kona. I saw many friends on the course......most crossing the finish line........a few did not but, in time, another day will come that will see them successfully finish the journey.
While being a spectator was certainly rewarding, deep down I was longing to be in the race. The true intensity of this desire has struck me at times over the past year and a half but never as much as on Monday, September 13th. This was the day the star
s aligned to allow me to sign up for my third Ironman journey......the day after Ironman Wisconsin 2010 wascompleted....12:00pm local race site time which would be 10:00 am here in Los Angeles. I was at home. I had just spent time dropping off my son Jaden for his first day of First Grade. I knew time was of the essence when the clock struck 10am so I didn't even want to risk losing my wireless connection. I set up my computer in the kids room at the kids desk so I could connect with a LAN line. Crea was actually in the other room on her computer and we both kept refreshing the registration screen for the race. In the past the registration page has loaded early so I started this process about 15 minutes before the site was supposed to go live. This time registration would not begin early. It went live at exactly 10am. I immediately started entering my information. Things were going smoothly....albeit slowly.....until I got to the page to make my payment. The page flashed a 'gateway timeout' error and I could not get back in. Instead of being an officially registered athlete, I found myself back at the beginning of the process. I was never able to get in over the next 45 minutes. I cannot believe I kept trying but I was exchanging texts with my friend and fellow TNT coach, Pete Brzycki, and it seemed like everyone was still trying. After seeing messages that Registration Was Closed, I gave up. It is in this hour of trying to get into IM Wisconsi
n that I learned how much I needed to do another Ironman. The sadness I felt each time my attempt to get to the registration page failed was overwhelming. By the time I gave up, I was deflated. I felt like something was missing. I tried to focus on the fact that Pete told me only 4 of the 30 of us trying to get in was successful. I had to have hope that something went wrong here and, as it turns out, that was the case. Around the time I pulled into the office at work, Pete called me to tell me the Ironman.com site had posted a message that due to technical difficulties, the registration process was shut down. I literally wanted to scream. Hope was alive which seems appropriate as I write this statement here at the HOPE NEXT EXIT blog. My chance to register would come again. It came two days later. My first attempt failed at the exact same place......at the payment page. Instead of getting a technical error, the page just loaded blank. My coworker was there shielding my office from disturbances. He told me to calm down and hit refresh. GENIUS. That is what I did and the page came back. My next attempt was successful and soon thereafter I was printing my waivers and receipt. I was 12 months away from competing in another Ironman.
n that I learned how much I needed to do another Ironman. The sadness I felt each time my attempt to get to the registration page failed was overwhelming. By the time I gave up, I was deflated. I felt like something was missing. I tried to focus on the fact that Pete told me only 4 of the 30 of us trying to get in was successful. I had to have hope that something went wrong here and, as it turns out, that was the case. Around the time I pulled into the office at work, Pete called me to tell me the Ironman.com site had posted a message that due to technical difficulties, the registration process was shut down. I literally wanted to scream. Hope was alive which seems appropriate as I write this statement here at the HOPE NEXT EXIT blog. My chance to register would come again. It came two days later. My first attempt failed at the exact same place......at the payment page. Instead of getting a technical error, the page just loaded blank. My coworker was there shielding my office from disturbances. He told me to calm down and hit refresh. GENIUS. That is what I did and the page came back. My next attempt was successful and soon thereafter I was printing my waivers and receipt. I was 12 months away from competing in another Ironman.It is now Saturday. I have been excited all week. I reached out to my coach, Coach Gareth. I pulled out all of my training books....some from the past....some newly purchased.....Going Long, Training Plans for Multisport Athletes, Start to Finish, Strength Training for Triathletes. The funny thing is I do not have any time to read any of them. What I did make some time for was to open the book Running on Faith by Jason Lester. I had just met Jason at Triathlon Lab in Redondo Beach this past Monday. He has won the ESPY for Best Male Athlete with a Disability. He was hit by car when he was twelve which rendered his right arm paralyzed. He has an amazing story.....went on to compete in High School Sports, complete an Ironman, and even an Ultraman which entails a 6.2 mile swim, 261.4 mile bike and 52.4 mile run. Completing any of these races would be amazing for any person. Completing them without the use of your right arm is inspiring. Hell, toeing the start line of an Ultraman is inspiring to me.......doing it knowing you are jumping in the ocean for a 6 mile swim without the use of your right arm is unfathomable. Sitting beside my bed was his book...the one he signed to me inscribed with the phrase 'Never Stop'. I picked up the book to take a look and began to read the Foreward written by Dean Karnazes. It was a tribute to the inspiration Jason Lester is but a few pages in I found the words that I think were buried in me for the past 1.5 years....the reason I needed to be in this race. The following is an excerpt from Dean Karnazes' foreward:
In this book, Jason talks a lot about something else that I understand very well: the shared warrior connection that extreme endurance athletes have with one another. Jason has said that Ironman and Ultraman have become his family, which might not make sense to someone who sees us trying to bury one another on the course in each race. It's true that there's competition, but there's also tremendous camaraderie between the athletes. When we're all together for an event, we're among like-minded people who share the same core values. Most important, each of us knows what the others have sacrificed and how hard they've worked. Passion, in these circles, is universal.
This shared disregard for limitations and stubborn unwillingness to allow anything to stand in the way of dreams creates a unique bond and special kinship among all athletes, able-bodied and challenged. It doesn't matter if you see one another only once a year at an event, or only read about your comrades' exploits in the magazines. They become your family, because you can relate firsthand to the toils they face and the struggles they must endure to cross the finish line. Respect is earned and deep mutual admiration garnered, no matter how fiercely you might compete out on the race course. They are your fellow warriors, your blood (and sweat and tears) brothers and sisters.
These words struck me hard. I not only read them. I felt them. This passage explains why I love Ironman. At my first Ironman when the 100 degree heat saw me finish hours after my training would have predicted, I was with the group of people struggling. Cramps set in. I kept falling down as a result. Dehydration was so bad that I was having trouble hearing. I lost 16 pounds at this race.....I do not have 16 pounds to lose. Everyone around me was having a bad day too and we all bonded together to try and push each other to the finish line. If I mustered a little run, I yelled at everyone to come with me. If I passed someone, I told them to stare at my back and join me fo
r the ride (I still do this in every race today). This passage to me also describes why the Ironman finish line is one of the most spectacular finish lines in the world.....one that everyone must experience......not necessarily at 8 hours and 30 minutes of the race when the
r the ride (I still do this in every race today). This passage to me also describes why the Ironman finish line is one of the most spectacular finish lines in the world.....one that everyone must experience......not necessarily at 8 hours and 30 minutes of the race when thepro's cross (although that is amazing). I am talking 11pm with one hour to go before the official finisher cutoff. Do you think the pro's are off in bed? Do you think the crowds have disappeared? Absolutely not. The pro's are at the finish line cheering for everyone coming in, the music is blaring and the crowds are cheering louder than ever trying to bring every athlete home (there is a short video of the finish line in Kona in 2009 at the bottom of this post). It is amazing. There is such respect for the journey. There is such respect for everyone that completes the 140.6 miles regardless of the finishing time. I would also add that there is a tremendous amount of respect for those that fall short of the 17 hour time limit. The Ironman is a tough race and every day will not prove successful for even the most amazing of athletes.
It is all of this that has me wanting to compete again. It has nothing to so with completing 140.6 miles with a new PR. I really could care less. For me, with working 55-80 hours a week, with all the charity work I do for the amazing organization Team in Training and most importantly with an amazing wife and some amazing kids, my training is squeezed in where it will fit. Don't get me wrong, I train....what i do NOT do is sleep. My midweek trainer rides take place at 4:30am. My midweek runs take place at 11:30pm. My swims take place as the gym is closing (for my first IM, my swims took place at 2:00am at 24 Hour Fitness with drunk dudes racing on noodles. I eventually got tired of the large wafts of hair floating in the pool so I upgraded gyms). For my long rides, I sit at my garage waiting for the sun to rise just enough so that I can enter the streets of LA safely (well, more safely) and I am generally done while most are just getting underway. My long runs take place in the early Sunday hours before I head to coach TNT practice. I am not complaining. It is my journey and that is how it must be completed so that that the rest of the important parts of my life are disturbed as little as possible. If I trained during normal hours and was able to get more rest, I am sure my time would be much improved but, for me, I would lose too much elsewhere. For me, the journey has been and will be the experience. Crossing the finish line......which certainly will happen in Wisconsin on September 11, 2011......for me it is just the icing on one amazing cake.
A big thanks to my wife Crea for understanding my need to compete and for all the sacrifices she will make over the next 12 months leading up to the Ironman. Without her, IM Wisconsin would not be possible. Without her, I am sure it would not even mean as much.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Hope Next Exit Raffle: Final Thanks and Winners
OK. It takes me a long time to make progress but I am finally at the post to announce all of the winners in one place. A week ago at the Cooley s'moree all of the winners were drawn out of a basket. I posted the winning #'s on Twitter but never really looked back to see the actual names of the winners. Emily Conlon (@goingforgoofy) was kind enough to look everything up and share the winners via Twitter but since she announced herself the grand prize winner.....I figured I better double check. As it turns out, she is an honest soul and a lucky soul for she did win the Gateway notebook. Below are all of the winners. I will be reaching out to everyone to get you your prize shortly but feel free to contact me as well via Facebook (Christopher Wilno) or Twitter (@run2savelives) or via email at tntcoachchris@yahoo.com.
Before I list the winners, I wanted to thank everyone one last time. I am humbled by everyone's generosity that allowed me to sell all 250 tickets in a short period of time. After raising $70,000 to fight cancer over the last 6 years, I felt it would be tough to reach out for help one more time so I came up with the idea of this raffle. I bought some of the prizes and some folks really stepped up with key donations and the concept became reality. It only became a viable cancer fighting tool, though, when you all stepped up to buy tickets. Even more humbling is the news I have already shared......many of the tickets were purchased by either a)folks that have never met me outside of the virtual world b)folks that knew me in the virtual world but had only come to meet me in person in the prior few months or c)folks that did not know the live or virtual me (theoretically these two are the same). This statistic really blows my mind. Whether you knew me or not, the kindness and support you all showed to this raffle and, as such, to my family and I is greatly appreciated. My story is personal so every penny donated through me is personal. Thanks again. Congrats to all the winners!
1)Gateway Notebook - Emily Conlon
2)HP Media Smart Server - Kristen Brenner
3)Monster Miles Davis Tribute Headphones - Dave Blaszkowski
4)Acer Netbook - Lauren Franck (the only prize I have distributed thus far)
5)Kodak ZX1 Pocket Video Cam - Allison Burbage
6)Creative Vodo HD Pocket Video Cam - Melissa Borek
7)Deacon Jones Autographed Football - Ron (Punk Rock) Harvey
8)$75 Target Gift Card - Marie Schneider (is there a Target in France?)
9)$50 Starbucks Gift Card - Sonja Wieck
10)Call of Duty 4 Inessa Vitko
Special thanks to Jeff Webb for building the Raffle web page that allowed me to show you all the cool prizes!!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Hope Next Exit Raffle Ticket Raffle Drawing 08-29-10
OK. We will be pulling the Hope Next Exit Raffle tickets the evening of August 29th at the infamous Cooley smoree....much thanks to them for another invite. It is always a very fun night hanging with some very cool people. Below you will find a list of everyone that has raffle tickets. make sure your name appears on this list. Beside your name is a number that corresponds to a raffle ticket. I will only have the raffle tickets with numbers at the smoree and we will refer back to this list to see who the winners are. Good Luck everyone. I am so grateful for all the support shown to me and my family.
| 501 | Alett Mekler |
| 502 | Allison Burbage |
| 503 | Allison Burbage |
| 504 | Allison Burbage |
| 505 | Allison Burbage |
| 506 | Allison Burbage |
| 507 | Allison Burbage |
| 508 | Allison Burbage |
| 509 | Allison Burbage |
| 510 | Allison Burbage |
| 511 | Allison Burbage |
| 512 | Allison Burbage |
| 513 | Allison Burbage |
| 514 | Allison Burbage |
| 515 | Allison Burbage |
| 516 | Allison Burbage |
| 517 | Allison Burbage |
| 518 | Allison Burbage |
| 519 | Allison Burbage |
| 520 | Andrea Emmons |
| 521 | Ashley Larkin |
| 522 | Ashley Larkin |
| 523 | Aubrey Walton |
| 524 | Bally Randhawa |
| 525 | Beckie Burns |
| 526 | Bob Frein |
| 527 | Brady Gervais |
| 528 | Brett Bogan |
| 529 | Brett Davis |
| 530 | Brett Davis |
| 531 | Brett Davis |
| 532 | Bryan Sloan |
| 533 | Caitlin Frazier |
| 534 | Candice Yee |
| 535 | Carlos Pineda |
| 536 | Christopher Wilno |
| 537 | Christopher Wilno |
| 538 | Christopher Wilno |
| 539 | Christopher Wilno |
| 540 | Christopher Wilno |
| 541 | Christopher Wilno |
| 542 | Christopher Wilno |
| 543 | Christopher Wilno |
| 544 | Christopher Wilno |
| 545 | Colin Cooley |
| 546 | Colin Cooley |
| 547 | Colin Cooley |
| 548 | Craig Barrett |
| 549 | Craig Barrett |
| 550 | Craig Barrett |
| 551 | Craig Harrison |
| 552 | Danielle Perkel |
| 553 | Dash Nash |
| 554 | Dash Nash |
| 555 | Dash Nash |
| 556 | Dave Blasz |
| 557 | Dave Blasz |
| 558 | Dave Blasz |
| 559 | Dave Blasz |
| 560 | Dave Blasz |
| 561 | Dave Blasz |
| 562 | Dave Blasz |
| 563 | Dave Blasz |
| 564 | Dave Blasz |
| 565 | David Pittman |
| 566 | David Winton |
| 567 | David Winton |
| 568 | David Winton |
| 569 | David Winton |
| 570 | David Winton |
| 571 | David Winton |
| 572 | Dean Sakihama |
| 573 | Dean Sakihama |
| 574 | Dean Sakihama |
| 575 | Dean Sakihama |
| 576 | Dean Sakihama |
| 577 | Dean Sakihama |
| 578 | Deanna Rodriguez |
| 579 | Donna DeWick |
| 580 | Donna DeWick |
| 581 | Donna DeWick |
| 582 | Emily Conlon |
| 583 | Emily Conlon |
| 584 | Emily Conlon |
| 585 | Emily Conlon |
| 586 | Emily Conlon |
| 587 | Emily Conlon |
| 588 | Emily Conlon |
| 589 | Emily Conlon |
| 590 | Emily Conlon |
| 591 | Emily Conlon |
| 592 | Emily Conlon |
| 593 | Emily Conlon |
| 594 | Emily Daigle |
| 595 | Emily Mooney |
| 596 | Eric Orvieto |
| 597 | Eric Orvieto |
| 598 | Eric Orvieto |
| 599 | Gaye Beckman |
| 600 | Geri Weinfeld |
| 601 | Geri Weinfeld |
| 602 | Geri Weinfeld |
| 603 | Gretchen Sweet |
| 604 | Gretchen Sweet |
| 605 | Gretchen Sweet |
| 606 | Inessa Vitko |
| 607 | Inessa Vitko |
| 608 | Inessa Vitko |
| 609 | Jason Ditri |
| 610 | Jason Ditri |
| 611 | Jason Ditri |
| 612 | Javier Rivera |
| 613 | Javier Rivera |
| 614 | Javier Rivera |
| 615 | Javier Rivera |
| 616 | Javier Rivera |
| 617 | Javier Rivera |
| 618 | Jennifer Blalock |
| 619 | Jennifer Hawley Price |
| 620 | Jennifer Hawley Price |
| 621 | Jennifer Hawley Price |
| 622 | Jennifer Whitter Adams |
| 623 | Jessica Nelson |
| 624 | Jessica Nelson |
| 625 | Jessica Nelson |
| 626 | Joe Pease |
| 627 | Joe Pease |
| 628 | Joe Pease |
| 629 | John Hogan |
| 630 | Jolene Young |
| 631 | Josh Spector |
| 632 | Josh Spector |
| 633 | Josh Spector |
| 634 | Julie Lewis |
| 635 | Julie Lewis |
| 636 | Julie Lewis |
| 637 | Karen Carrie |
| 638 | Karen Carrie |
| 639 | Karen Carrie |
| 640 | Karina Eastman |
| 641 | Kristen Brenner |
| 642 | Kristen Brenner |
| 643 | Kristen Brenner |
| 644 | Kristen Tabke |
| 645 | Kristen Tabke |
| 646 | Kristen Tabke |
| 647 | Lauren Franck |
| 648 | Lauren Franck |
| 649 | Libby Jones |
| 650 | Lilah McCarthy |
| 651 | Linda Vermeulen |
| 652 | Lisa Sanders |
| 653 | Lisa Vallejos |
| 654 | Lonnie Butler |
| 655 | Lonnie Overall |
| 656 | Lori Jomsky |
| 657 | Lori Jomsky |
| 658 | Lori Jomsky |
| 659 | Lori Jomsky |
| 660 | Lori Jomsky |
| 661 | Lori Jomsky |
| 662 | Louise Shrimpton |
| 663 | Louise Shrimpton |
| 664 | Louise Shrimpton |
| 665 | Maia Jasper |
| 666 | Marci Simms |
| 667 | Marci Simms |
| 668 | Marci Simms |
| 669 | Margarita Guzman |
| 670 | Marie Schneider |
| 671 | Marina Vargas |
| 672 | Marjorie Wilno |
| 673 | Marjorie Wilno |
| 674 | Marjorie Wilno |
| 675 | Marvin Tabangay |
| 676 | Marvin Tabangay |
| 677 | Marvin Tabangay |
| 678 | Marvin Tabangay |
| 679 | Marvin Tabangay |
| 680 | Marvin Tabangay |
| 681 | Marvin Tabangay |
| 682 | Marvin Tabangay |
| 683 | Marvin Tabangay |
| 684 | Matt Barnette |
| 685 | Matt Barnette |
| 686 | Matt Barnette |
| 687 | Maura McCartan |
| 688 | Melissa Anderson |
| 689 | Melissa Anderson |
| 690 | Melissa Anderson |
| 691 | Melissa Borek |
| 692 | Melissa Borek |
| 693 | Melissa Borek |
| 694 | Melissa Borek |
| 695 | Melissa Borek |
| 696 | Melissa Borek |
| 697 | Melissa Galyon |
| 698 | Melissa Galyon |
| 699 | Melissa Galyon |
| 700 | Melissa Galyon |
| 701 | Melissa Galyon |
| 702 | Melissa Galyon |
| 703 | Melissa Galyon |
| 704 | Melissa Galyon |
| 705 | Melissa Galyon |
| 706 | Michael Miller |
| 707 | Michael Miller |
| 708 | Michael Miller |
| 709 | Michelle Sedas |
| 710 | Neal Gorman |
| 711 | Nina Jack |
| 712 | Nina Jack |
| 713 | Nina Jack |
| 714 | Peter Rabover |
| 715 | Peter Vu |
| 716 | Peter Vu |
| 717 | Petty Goodman |
| 718 | Petty Goodman |
| 719 | Petty Goodman |
| 720 | Rachel Chai |
| 721 | Renee Guirguis |
| 722 | Renee Guirguis |
| 723 | Renee Guirguis |
| 724 | Rich Cruse |
| 725 | Rommell Calderon |
| 726 | Ron Harvey |
| 727 | Ron Harvey |
| 728 | Ron Harvey |
| 729 | Ron Harvey |
| 730 | Ron Harvey |
| 731 | Ron Harvey |
| 732 | Ron Harvey |
| 733 | Ron Harvey |
| 734 | Samantha Marangell |
| 735 | Sara Schroer |
| 736 | Sara Schroer |
| 737 | Sara Schroer |
| 738 | Sara Schroer |
| 739 | Sara Schroer |
| 740 | Sara Schroer |
| 741 | Scott Burns |
| 742 | Scott Burns |
| 743 | Scott Burns |
| 744 | Scott Clausen |
| 745 | Sonja Wieck |
| 746 | Sonja Wieck |
| 747 | Sonja Wieck |
| 748 | Tony Alexander |
| 749 | Vincent Matteo |
| 750 | Vincent Matteo |
| 751 | Vincent Matteo |
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Hope Next Exit Raffle
RAFFLE SOLD OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know this goes back in time a while but I started a raffle tied to the Hope Next Exit Party. The raffle tickets are 1 for $20 or 3 for $50. Prizes include some cool stuff: HP Media Smart Server, Acer netbook, Gateway 15.6" notebook with Blu Ray, Kodak ZX1 pocket video recorder, etc, etc. Total value of prizes is $2,000 at this point with hopefully more to come. Some were donated and some I purchased to raise money to fight cancer. I am selling $5,000 worth of tickets. I will use this blog entry to track the number of tickets sold and the names of the ticket holders. You can use this blog entry to make sure that, if you purchased tickets, your name is in the hat. Once all of the tickets are sold, I will announce the date of the raffle and will probably video tape the drawing so that folks know it is legit.
I know this goes back in time a while but I started a raffle tied to the Hope Next Exit Party. The raffle tickets are 1 for $20 or 3 for $50. Prizes include some cool stuff: HP Media Smart Server, Acer netbook, Gateway 15.6" notebook with Blu Ray, Kodak ZX1 pocket video recorder, etc, etc. Total value of prizes is $2,000 at this point with hopefully more to come. Some were donated and some I purchased to raise money to fight cancer. I am selling $5,000 worth of tickets. I will use this blog entry to track the number of tickets sold and the names of the ticket holders. You can use this blog entry to make sure that, if you purchased tickets, your name is in the hat. Once all of the tickets are sold, I will announce the date of the raffle and will probably video tape the drawing so that folks know it is legit.
PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU SHOULD BE ON THIS LIST AND DO NOT APPEAR.
As of now, ticket holders I am aware of are as follows:
TOTAL TICKETS SOLD: 250
Peter Vu 2
Cowhateration 1
Melissa Borek 3
Frenchie 1
Tony Alexander 1
Maia Jasper 1
Bally Randhawa 1
Aubrey Walton 1
Geri Weinfeld 3
Lauren Franck 2
Ashley Larkin 2
Samantha Marangell 1
Dean Sakihama 6
Karina Eastman 1
Daniele Perkel 1
Rommell Calderon 1
Craig Harrison 1
Colin Cooley 3
Ron Harvey 8
Emily Conlon 12
Melissa Galyon 9
Renee Guirguis 3
Brett Bogan 1
Marvin Tabangay 9
Sara Schroer 6
Josh Spector 3
Maura McCartan 1
Louise Shrimpton 3
Libby Jones 1
Jolene Young 1
Javier Rivera 6
Eric Orvieto 3
Lonnie Butler 1
Marina Vargas 1
Lisa Vallejos 1
Dash Nash 3
Michael Miller 3
Jennifer Blalock 1
Petty Goodman 3
Bryan Sloan 1
Carlos Pineda 1
Emily Daigle 1
John Hogan 1
Kristen Tabke 3
Gretchen Sweet 3
Lori Jomsky 6
Scott Clausen 1
Christopher Wilno 9
Brady Gervais 1
Linda Vermeulen 1
Jennifer Whitter Adams 1
Andrea Emmons 1
Nina Jack 3
Emily Mooney 1
Kristen Brenner 3
Lilah McCarthy 1
Jennifer Hawley Price 3
Deanna Rodriguez 1
Bob Frein 1
Craig Barrett 3
David Winton 6
Rich Cruse 1
Karen Carrie 3
Lisa Sanders 1
Donna DeWick 3
Caitlin Frazier 1
Marjorie Wilno 3
Melissa Borek 3
Melissa Anderson 3
Matt Barnette 3
Joe Pease 3
Neal Gorman 1
Beckie Burns 1
David Pittman 1
Brett Davis 3
Marci Sims 3
Margarita Guzman 1
Jessica Nelson 3
Dave Blasz 9
Scott Burns 3
Allison Burbage 18
Alett Mekler 1
Peter Rabover 1
Rachel Chai 1
Julie Lewis 3
Inessa Vitko 3
Jason Ditri 3
Sonja Wieck 3
Lonnie Overall 1
Gaye Beckman 1
Michelle Sedas 1
Vincent Matteo 3
Monday, July 12, 2010
Isabella's Day - The Beginning of Me
I really wanted to avoid a preface to this post but the more I have thought about it t
he more I think it is necessary. I always assume people know my story by now but learn consistently that even the folks I chat with often on Twitter are not aware. It makes sense really. I do not talk about my story that often and, although, it is the story that made me who I am today.....made me believe in my Twitter bio that reads 'I believe blessings come from every situation'.......how can I expect anyone to really know that. It also makes sense because most folks on Twitter follow a lot of people so, even when I was tweeting about my wife's surgery for her second bout with cancer, my tweets could easily get lost in the masses. I too often find myself behind on the happenings of Twitter friends because their tweet did not make it into the list of recent posts that fit on my phone. I guess there are many other reasons......not to mention the timing of when I synced up with people or the fact that I really do not want to be known/liked/followed/respected because of my story. It just is. Because so many people are unaware though, I feel a preface is warranted and these are my disclaimers:
1)If you do not know my whole story, this will be a tough first read for you and may not give the right impression. I highly suggest you read the first entry in this blog as it will reveal a little more about my attitude towards the events that touched my life over a short period of time....one of them addressed in this entry. You do not have to go back far to get to the first entry. Sadly there are not that many for, while I believe I have a lot to say, my life does not afford me the time I would like to put pen to paper...or in this case fingers to keyboard.
2)I did NOT bring you to this blog entry for a financial donation to Team in Training. This blog was created in November 2009 to document the events surrounding my wife's second diagnosis with cancer. To honor her fight, I signed up for my 8th Team in Training event and fundraised to fight back against such a horrible disease that has affected most people in one way or another. Because I am so active with Team in Training, I am always fundraising so there is still a link at the top of this blog. Again, that link is not why I am writing this post.
3)In conjunction with the second item, while I do not have a financial request, every year I do ask a favor of friends and family on Isabella's Day. In today's virtual world, I have come to consider as friends people whom I have never met in person so if we are connected on Twitter, I will ask the same favor of you. It is a simple one. It is an important one to me. I will share it with you at the end of this entry.
4)Lastly, I cannot really tell you why I am writing this post or which direction it will head. It may go somewhere, it may not. It is my way of remembering and keeping Isabella alive. For someone that never spoke a word, I would argue she has made a huge impact on me and, because of the impact on me, an impact on the many people I have been able to impact over the years. I would be lying if I did not acknowledge a part of this entry is selfish........a way to cope with the silence I find deafening around this time of year. My reaction to the silence is to raise my voice and fight harder to make a difference. In that sense, I must share my thoughts for even if they impact only one person......it was worth laying my feelings on the line.
On to my thoughts.............
As I sit at my desk, it is mid July 2010. It is the seventh July since my daughter Isabella passed away at birth. Every July gets a little better. Every July finds me a little stronger. Every July also finds me very much the same though... as I don't think you ever fully recover after the loss of a child. Isabella Soleil Wilno passed away on August 1, 2003. She never spoke a word. As I wrote in an email to all my friends and colleagues days after her passing, Isabella spent 9 months with the warmth, comfort and security of my wife and then passed straight to the hands of the Lord. It is tough not to think of that as a blessed life. It is this view of the world that I believe has me writing this post. A very sad day.........one that can bring me instantly to tears if I allow my mind to take me back there........ultimately helped to define me. Did it all start with this email...I am not certain. I am sure folks would have understood a somber email speaking of the injustice of it all.......that is not what they received.
It was the afternoon of July 31st which also happened to be my wedding anniversary. I had been out of town a lot because 3,000 miles away my father was fighting for the life cancer was trying to take and ultimately took from him. I was at work where just a few days earlier, my wife Crea had visited the office where we shared many friends. I remember making jokes about how large her belly was. As I would walk nearby her, I would pretend to be sucked into orbit and start circling her. Dumb humor....I know...but it made me laugh and I am my biggest fan. Days passed and now we were 2 days from the official due date. This night would be a celebration of 4 years of marriage and in a few days we would celebrate the birth of our new little girl, Isabella Soleil Wilno.
I was feeling on top of the world.
Then the phone rang. Crea's name appeared on the screen of my cellphone and I anxiously answered it. With only a few days to go until the due date, any call could be 'THE' call to rush to the hospital. I picked up the phone. I remember Crea being very calm. I also remember Crea telling me she was going to head over to the hospital. I was very confused. Why was she going to the hospital directly instead of coming home to get everything we would need for the trip? At this point, I thought it was 'THE' call but something did not feel right. I asked Crea again and she explained that something felt wrong to her.........she could not feel the baby kicking any more. As fast as I have run in my life........I am sure I never ran faster than on this day to my car. I remember my tires screeching out of the parking lot as I passed a coworker with a look of terror on her face. Everything seemed to be crumbling around me.
A little while later, Crea and I were in Santa Monica sitting in a hospital room. Same drill that we had gone through many times over the last few months. An ultrasound machine was wheeled over. Crea pulled up her shirt. Squeeze some fluid onto her stomach......Doc says "this might be a little cold"......shortly thereafter we see a beating heart on the screen. Today went exactly that way except attempt after attempt after attempt revealed no beating heart. I cannot remember if I was crying or not. It was all so surreal. How did we go from this amazing place of joy to such a place of desperation hoping Isabella was just on her side? "Please baby, be okay, please God, let everything be okay" I remember screaming this in my head but after many futile attempts, the conclusion was that Isabella was no longer with us. Her body was still present but that little spirit had already moved on. It was the worst moment of my entire life. It was the lowest point of my entire life.
The next few hours are a blur for me. I was the one that had to make all the phone calls to family. I do not remember most of them. All I remember was when someone picked up the phone there was positive anticipation expecting to hear good news. I was the one that had to shatter the joy........shatter the hope of a sister, a niece, a granddaughter. The toughest call was, of course, to my Dad. He was fighting for his life. I always thanked him for fighting back and not giving up. He always said he had a lot of reasons to fight. Certainly one of those reasons to fight was me.........we were best friends...........but Isabella most definitely was high on the list. He could not wait to hold her. I now had to call him and tell him that was not going to happen..........at least not here in this world. To most, he would have appeared to take it very well...........to me, I could hear his heart break like someone had blown off a cannon inches from my face. Not taking it so well was my Mom. My parents were living out of a hotel room near the University of South Carolina where my father was being treated. She was screaming so loudly that hotel staff came running to her to try and ease her pain. Not a good day.
Hours later, my amazing wife was induced into labor. While this makes sense medically it struck me as so unfair at the time. How could one still have to go through labor knowing the outcome was so unpleasant. The rest of our anniversary night was spent waiting. As midnight neared, things were definitely moving forward and pushing was upon us. This part I have shared before but it is at this point when pushing was the instinct that my wife fought back. She fought NOT to push. She used all she had inside of her to hold off until after the clock struck midnight. It was our anniversary. Isabella would not be born...........and as such, officially pronounced dead on this day. Once the clock struck midnight, Crea let nature take its course and shortly thereafter, the doctor was holding Isabella. No screaming baby. Silence except for the sounds of sadness coming from my wife and me. It was such an empty moment.
A little while later our little girl was handed to us and we were left alone. She was so beautiful. So very beautiful. We spent as much time with her as we were allowed. We have pictures of her that I will never ever share. The only one I ever shared is the one you see here with the hands of Mother, Father and Daughter. Crea's family all made it to the hospital. Everyone held Isabella taking their turns at saying both hello and goodbye. Ultimately everyone left except for me. I never left Crea's side. I stayed with Crea the entire time until she was released from the hospital. I do not recall much from those days. Friends and family came and left. I remember going in and out of our room dozens of times and seeing a dove that had been placed on the door. It was the way to let folks know things had not gone so well. I remember calling hotels because we really were not ready to go home. We needed to be somewhere else because the silence in the house would be too much to take. We ultimately found ourselves at a Residence Inn near Manhattan Beach. I had shared our story with them and they naturally put us in their biggest and best room. That was our home base for a while. Home base to plan the memorial service. Home base to figure out how to step forward.
Isabella had passed. I was born.
During our time in the hospital, there were many tears shed but there was a great sense of strength that overcame me. A big part was trying to be strong for Crea. The rest I think ties to being strong for everyone else. The feeling in the air was great sadness........understandably.........but I really felt I had the ability to make it better. I cannot explain it any better than that. I went to work. People were shocked to see me. They did not know what to say. I could see the intense struggle within people so I sat down to write the email I mention above. I tried to find words to make things better. I searched for the positive.
"Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy"
Arthur Helps
After sending the email, I was off to be with Crea again. We had to handle all the details that accompany death. We found ourselves at Forest Lawn picking out Urns and at the church planning the memorial service. These were the tasks that filled our days. In mapping out the service, I really felt like I needed to say something. Isabella was my daughter. I needed to speak on her behalf. I needed to make things okay. So, while Crea would hang out at the Residence Inn recovering from the effects of having a baby, I would go to a park in Manhattan Beach with pen and paper and try to find the words to do justice to my precious little angel. We always say about those that passed that they would not want us here suffering. I certainly felt the same about Isabella. She was, after all, just a little girl. She did not know ANY sadness. I always pictured her laughing and playing. I know she was a baby but I never pictured her in Heaven that way. I think Heaven has to afford the luxury of no dirty diapers. Anyway, the words came fairly quickly for me. This memorial service would be all about the blessings that Isabella, in her short time with us, bestowed upon us. I went home, I read the speech to Crea to make sure she was okay with the message. Her tears let me know I was on the right path.
I kept returning to the park only this time I did not need a pen. I just kept saying my speech time and time and time again. My theory on speeches stands very firmly on not using any notes. I say the speech so many times that it is committed to memory and in doing so, I am able to just talk. The speech will come out different every time but the message will always be the same. I am not joking......I must have said this speech 100 times just to make sure I was ready. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I didn't. For my very last self rehearsal before heading out to the church, I was walking on Pacific Coast Highway. I had just turned into a parking lot and probably appeared insane as I was saying the speech outloud and gave the appearance I was talking to myself. At that point, I looked up and out of the hustle and bustle of the concrete jungle I found myself came this amazing white rabbit. It came out of nowhere. It came right up to me. It did not run away. It did not belong. It did not fit. It felt right, though. It just stared at me from a foot away. For all I know, a mile down the road was a panicked family madly searching for their loving pet that had escaped. For me, it was a moment. I was ready.
Well, the rest is history. Crea and I want to the church. We hovered in the back until the Memorial Service was to start. I remember walking out in amazement. So many people had made the journey to join us. It was incredible. The service went on. 'Tears of Heaven' by Eric Clapton played. Seemed appropriate. I gave my speech. No notes of course. Afterward we stood as a procession of friends and family passed by us to offer some words. The consistent theme was twofold. One, of course, was condolences. The other was gratitude for the words I had shared. People had come wanting to help us but, instead, it was the words I spoke that helped to ease their pain. One good friend of mine shared through tears that he could feel Isabella in the room as I was talking. I, of course, knew she was there and maybe it was her that was giving me the strength to hold everyone on my shoulders during this time.
That is my story. I apologize if it brought any sadness to you. That is not my intent. I read before that there is a big difference between 'dead' and 'passed on'. Isabella most certainly lives on in Crea and I. She also lives on in others. I know this for a fact. She has changed lives. Someone who never took one step on this planet changed lives. What should that tell you? I would argue it should tell you that you can make a difference. Everyone has the ability to make a difference, to affect lives, to affect the world. Every event that touches your life.........be it the happiest moment one can imagine or the loss of your child........has value. In that sense, even the darkest time of your life can be your best time. I am now going to share the speech I gave for Isabella. Read it if you want. Skip it if you want. I questioned for years whether I should share this or not. This year, 7 years later I have decided to put it out there. If you choose to read it, please know this was just the outline I used to speak to. I did not read these words exactly as they appear on the page................I just talked. Secondly, this will certainly not be the best speech you every read. That is not remotely close to my claim. Please remember it is important to my family and I so please treat it as such.
Good afternoon everyone. It is wonderful to see so many loving faces here today and I only wish it were for a much happier occasion than this. Crea and I know that it is not only ourselves and Tiana that need to heal from the loss of our beautiful Isabella but that all of our friends, our family and even some strangers we shared tears with this week that need to heal. We thank you very much for being here.
I have been concerned all week about standing up here and speaking with such a heavy heart. I have not only worried about crying my eyes out but of not crying my eyes out so if I do break down, I know you understand and please bear with me as I will do my best to recover. If, on the contrary I do not break down, please know it is not a sign I have built up a wall to all of this. I have cried my eyes out with Crea for the past week but I have also seen God give me a great amount of strength to help me endure some very tough situations over that same time period.
When Crea and I got married almost exactly 4 years ago, my father was the best man and preceding his toast, he mentioned through crying eyes that asking a parent to give a speech on such an emotional day was asking quite a difficult task. As I stand before you today, I can assure you my father was correct. My wife, Crea, and I come here after a week of tears and for someone that has little difficulty with words, I find words very hard to come by or at least they come very heavy to me. After this week of tears though.....of thought....of reflection....and of prayer, I do come here with something to say for Isabella, though not physically with us anymore has touched my life, has touched Crea's life...has touched all of our lives to the point where I know.......without question, she is a Miracle from God.
I first want to touch on a few things....a few ways Isabella has touched the lives of Crea and I as well as other lives around us. First of all, Isabella...through pregnancy, birth and her passing on to the Lord melded one amazing group of people into what I would now with great pride, great appreciation and great Love call my family. Over the last nine months, and especially shining over the last sorrowful week, everyone has shown Crea and I so much love and caring and compassion through words, through visits.....through a wide array of means for which our gratitude would be difficult to express in words. Seeing people...friends, family and, again, complete strangers that have heard our story...come together as one has truly been a blessing.
From a personal perspective, these types of situations are very difficult for me as all of my blood relatives are on the East coast and being unable to share this loss face to face is quite difficult...especially as it pertains to my mother and father whom I Love and miss terribly. Many of you know my father has been fighting with all the strength God has given him to beat Leukemia and I ask that you keep him in your prayers that God be with him and heal him and give him the strength to keep fighting as there will most definitely be a new grandchild to hold one day soon. Anyway, it is easy when two people come together in marriage to think of my parents versus his or her parents and, to be honest, I may have been victim to that same thought process. I think it is human but Isabella has changed all of that and as I stand here I truly feel I no longer have a mother and father in law or brothers and sisters in law but that I have true family on both sides of the country. I want to thank all of Crea's family and her great friends for taking me in their arms over the past week and making me feel like I do today.
Another blessing that Isabella has provided is that she did give my father another reason to keep fighting through his pain. My Dad could not make it here today but he is here with us and Crea and I are going see my parents in a month and my Dad will see the tape of this service and that is truly a great blessing for me.
I have another daughter that you all know. Her name is Tiana. I have always loved her and I have always considered her my own daughter. Through Isabella, however, my Love and my admiration for Tiana has grown more than I could have thought possible. Over the past week, Crea and I have seen an eleven year old girl put on an amazing show of strength and courage. Crea and I are so proud of you Tiana and please know that Isabella would have Loved you so much as a big sister.
Another blessing over the last week has been Crea and I learning that our relationship with God...our trust in God...our Faith in God is far stronger than either one of us realized. Isabella's passing.....in many ways...could have pushed us away from God. We could have cried out in anger at God but we didn't choose that path. We know that God has Isabella in His hands and we know that Isabella is safe and very well Loved. I do not claim that I understand any of this and we so very much wish we were at home with Isabella right now but we know that Isabella...our beautiful Isabella...is HOME with God and take comfort in that fact.
There are many more blessings that Isabella has bestowed upon us but I only want to mention one more at this time and it is a very important one at that. Isabella....from just the very thought and possibility of her, without question, saved, or at the very least rejuvenated the marriage of Crea and I. Without getting into great detail, there was a time when Crea and I were not looking like our marriage would survive but less than a year ago, God came back into my life.....talk of working things out began.....thoughts of having a child developed and we stand here today very much in Love and very much needing each other. God, of course, was a great catalyst to all of this but the Hope of Isabella really brought us together. Those of you that made it by the hospital this past week were witness to what I am saying and could see how close Crea and I have become. We shared a bed the entire time in the hospital and were pretty much inseparable. We could have been angry with each other...we could have pushed each other away but we chose each other and I thank our little Angel in Heaven for that.
As for Isabella herself.......she was and is such a beautiful little girl. She was so amazing to hold. She had beautiful little hands and beautiful little feet. She had a perfect nose, tiny rosebud lips and a little cleft like mine in her chin. Her heart stopped beating but I know it was a big heart....a Godly heart and I know she would have been an amazing person to know and I am sorry I will not get to see her grow up. Her earthly measurements were 5 lbs 9 ounces and 19 inches long but her Godly measurements go far beyond that. As one great friend wrote to me in an email this week:
"It never hurts to think about having your own little saint already in heaven who intervenes directly with God on your behalf. In that sense, you have truly been blessed in a special way!"
This is how Crea and I choose to look at what has happened and we hope you all do too. In closing, I would like to quote myself from a poem I wrote long ago. Those of you at our wedding heard this verse. It reads:
"I will hold you in my arms on the day our lives cross like I have held you in my heart for as long as I can remember."
Isabella, I have held you in my heart my whole life. I dreamed of you my little baby girl. I will never ever forget you and I will see you in Heaven.
Now two more things:
First, I would like to offer some words to those that may find themselves in a place of despair....financially, physically, emotionally or all of the above.
"You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give" Eleanor Roosevelt
I believe we all go through things for a reason and, for that to be true, we have to accept we are where we are meant to be. If you can read this post, you are breathing and that means you have more to accomplish with your time here. I truly believe.....with all that I am......that blessings come from even the darkest of events and most trying of times. Open your eyes. The blessings may be in front of you. They may be around the corner. They may reveal themselves immediately or they may be hidden for years. I am certain of one thing, though, and that is the blessings are there. Live your life with passion and out of your darkness will come amazing things.
"It's not what they take away from you that counts, it's what you do with what you have left that counts" Hubert H. Humphrey
I lost a father. I lost a daughter. I watched my wife fight cancer twice. Dark times...perhaps....but I gained the understanding my Dad and Isabella are still with me. I gained the understanding I will see them again. I gained a wife. I gained some amazing friends. I gained an organization in Team in Training that allows me to fight back. I gained the ability to help others. I gained the knowledge I can make a difference. I gained the knowledge anyone can make a difference. I gained the knowledge any one person has the ability to change the world. I gained a son, Jaden. I gained a daughter, Thalia. I gained running. I gained triathlon. I gained a life of giving back and for that I could never have regrets.
My favor
Lastly for this post is the favor I request of you. It is a simple one. On August 1st, I would be honored at some point in the day if you would raise a glass in Isabella's name. A simple toast to her. It can be a beer, a shot, a glass of water or a triple shot Latte......it does not matter to me. Just help me remember the little girl I miss so much, the little girl I carry in my heart.....the little girl that made me who I am. To Isabella.
he more I think it is necessary. I always assume people know my story by now but learn consistently that even the folks I chat with often on Twitter are not aware. It makes sense really. I do not talk about my story that often and, although, it is the story that made me who I am today.....made me believe in my Twitter bio that reads 'I believe blessings come from every situation'.......how can I expect anyone to really know that. It also makes sense because most folks on Twitter follow a lot of people so, even when I was tweeting about my wife's surgery for her second bout with cancer, my tweets could easily get lost in the masses. I too often find myself behind on the happenings of Twitter friends because their tweet did not make it into the list of recent posts that fit on my phone. I guess there are many other reasons......not to mention the timing of when I synced up with people or the fact that I really do not want to be known/liked/followed/respected because of my story. It just is. Because so many people are unaware though, I feel a preface is warranted and these are my disclaimers:1)If you do not know my whole story, this will be a tough first read for you and may not give the right impression. I highly suggest you read the first entry in this blog as it will reveal a little more about my attitude towards the events that touched my life over a short period of time....one of them addressed in this entry. You do not have to go back far to get to the first entry. Sadly there are not that many for, while I believe I have a lot to say, my life does not afford me the time I would like to put pen to paper...or in this case fingers to keyboard.
2)I did NOT bring you to this blog entry for a financial donation to Team in Training. This blog was created in November 2009 to document the events surrounding my wife's second diagnosis with cancer. To honor her fight, I signed up for my 8th Team in Training event and fundraised to fight back against such a horrible disease that has affected most people in one way or another. Because I am so active with Team in Training, I am always fundraising so there is still a link at the top of this blog. Again, that link is not why I am writing this post.
3)In conjunction with the second item, while I do not have a financial request, every year I do ask a favor of friends and family on Isabella's Day. In today's virtual world, I have come to consider as friends people whom I have never met in person so if we are connected on Twitter, I will ask the same favor of you. It is a simple one. It is an important one to me. I will share it with you at the end of this entry.
4)Lastly, I cannot really tell you why I am writing this post or which direction it will head. It may go somewhere, it may not. It is my way of remembering and keeping Isabella alive. For someone that never spoke a word, I would argue she has made a huge impact on me and, because of the impact on me, an impact on the many people I have been able to impact over the years. I would be lying if I did not acknowledge a part of this entry is selfish........a way to cope with the silence I find deafening around this time of year. My reaction to the silence is to raise my voice and fight harder to make a difference. In that sense, I must share my thoughts for even if they impact only one person......it was worth laying my feelings on the line.
On to my thoughts.............
As I sit at my desk, it is mid July 2010. It is the seventh July since my daughter Isabella passed away at birth. Every July gets a little better. Every July finds me a little stronger. Every July also finds me very much the same though... as I don't think you ever fully recover after the loss of a child. Isabella Soleil Wilno passed away on August 1, 2003. She never spoke a word. As I wrote in an email to all my friends and colleagues days after her passing, Isabella spent 9 months with the warmth, comfort and security of my wife and then passed straight to the hands of the Lord. It is tough not to think of that as a blessed life. It is this view of the world that I believe has me writing this post. A very sad day.........one that can bring me instantly to tears if I allow my mind to take me back there........ultimately helped to define me. Did it all start with this email...I am not certain. I am sure folks would have understood a somber email speaking of the injustice of it all.......that is not what they received.
It was the afternoon of July 31st which also happened to be my wedding anniversary. I had been out of town a lot because 3,000 miles away my father was fighting for the life cancer was trying to take and ultimately took from him. I was at work where just a few days earlier, my wife Crea had visited the office where we shared many friends. I remember making jokes about how large her belly was. As I would walk nearby her, I would pretend to be sucked into orbit and start circling her. Dumb humor....I know...but it made me laugh and I am my biggest fan. Days passed and now we were 2 days from the official due date. This night would be a celebration of 4 years of marriage and in a few days we would celebrate the birth of our new little girl, Isabella Soleil Wilno.
I was feeling on top of the world.
Then the phone rang. Crea's name appeared on the screen of my cellphone and I anxiously answered it. With only a few days to go until the due date, any call could be 'THE' call to rush to the hospital. I picked up the phone. I remember Crea being very calm. I also remember Crea telling me she was going to head over to the hospital. I was very confused. Why was she going to the hospital directly instead of coming home to get everything we would need for the trip? At this point, I thought it was 'THE' call but something did not feel right. I asked Crea again and she explained that something felt wrong to her.........she could not feel the baby kicking any more. As fast as I have run in my life........I am sure I never ran faster than on this day to my car. I remember my tires screeching out of the parking lot as I passed a coworker with a look of terror on her face. Everything seemed to be crumbling around me.
A little while later, Crea and I were in Santa Monica sitting in a hospital room. Same drill that we had gone through many times over the last few months. An ultrasound machine was wheeled over. Crea pulled up her shirt. Squeeze some fluid onto her stomach......Doc says "this might be a little cold"......shortly thereafter we see a beating heart on the screen. Today went exactly that way except attempt after attempt after attempt revealed no beating heart. I cannot remember if I was crying or not. It was all so surreal. How did we go from this amazing place of joy to such a place of desperation hoping Isabella was just on her side? "Please baby, be okay, please God, let everything be okay" I remember screaming this in my head but after many futile attempts, the conclusion was that Isabella was no longer with us. Her body was still present but that little spirit had already moved on. It was the worst moment of my entire life. It was the lowest point of my entire life.
The next few hours are a blur for me. I was the one that had to make all the phone calls to family. I do not remember most of them. All I remember was when someone picked up the phone there was positive anticipation expecting to hear good news. I was the one that had to shatter the joy........shatter the hope of a sister, a niece, a granddaughter. The toughest call was, of course, to my Dad. He was fighting for his life. I always thanked him for fighting back and not giving up. He always said he had a lot of reasons to fight. Certainly one of those reasons to fight was me.........we were best friends...........but Isabella most definitely was high on the list. He could not wait to hold her. I now had to call him and tell him that was not going to happen..........at least not here in this world. To most, he would have appeared to take it very well...........to me, I could hear his heart break like someone had blown off a cannon inches from my face. Not taking it so well was my Mom. My parents were living out of a hotel room near the University of South Carolina where my father was being treated. She was screaming so loudly that hotel staff came running to her to try and ease her pain. Not a good day.
Hours later, my amazing wife was induced into labor. While this makes sense medically it struck me as so unfair at the time. How could one still have to go through labor knowing the outcome was so unpleasant. The rest of our anniversary night was spent waiting. As midnight neared, things were definitely moving forward and pushing was upon us. This part I have shared before but it is at this point when pushing was the instinct that my wife fought back. She fought NOT to push. She used all she had inside of her to hold off until after the clock struck midnight. It was our anniversary. Isabella would not be born...........and as such, officially pronounced dead on this day. Once the clock struck midnight, Crea let nature take its course and shortly thereafter, the doctor was holding Isabella. No screaming baby. Silence except for the sounds of sadness coming from my wife and me. It was such an empty moment.
A little while later our little girl was handed to us and we were left alone. She was so beautiful. So very beautiful. We spent as much time with her as we were allowed. We have pictures of her that I will never ever share. The only one I ever shared is the one you see here with the hands of Mother, Father and Daughter. Crea's family all made it to the hospital. Everyone held Isabella taking their turns at saying both hello and goodbye. Ultimately everyone left except for me. I never left Crea's side. I stayed with Crea the entire time until she was released from the hospital. I do not recall much from those days. Friends and family came and left. I remember going in and out of our room dozens of times and seeing a dove that had been placed on the door. It was the way to let folks know things had not gone so well. I remember calling hotels because we really were not ready to go home. We needed to be somewhere else because the silence in the house would be too much to take. We ultimately found ourselves at a Residence Inn near Manhattan Beach. I had shared our story with them and they naturally put us in their biggest and best room. That was our home base for a while. Home base to plan the memorial service. Home base to figure out how to step forward.
Isabella had passed. I was born.
During our time in the hospital, there were many tears shed but there was a great sense of strength that overcame me. A big part was trying to be strong for Crea. The rest I think ties to being strong for everyone else. The feeling in the air was great sadness........understandably.........but I really felt I had the ability to make it better. I cannot explain it any better than that. I went to work. People were shocked to see me. They did not know what to say. I could see the intense struggle within people so I sat down to write the email I mention above. I tried to find words to make things better. I searched for the positive.
"Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy"
Arthur Helps
After sending the email, I was off to be with Crea again. We had to handle all the details that accompany death. We found ourselves at Forest Lawn picking out Urns and at the church planning the memorial service. These were the tasks that filled our days. In mapping out the service, I really felt like I needed to say something. Isabella was my daughter. I needed to speak on her behalf. I needed to make things okay. So, while Crea would hang out at the Residence Inn recovering from the effects of having a baby, I would go to a park in Manhattan Beach with pen and paper and try to find the words to do justice to my precious little angel. We always say about those that passed that they would not want us here suffering. I certainly felt the same about Isabella. She was, after all, just a little girl. She did not know ANY sadness. I always pictured her laughing and playing. I know she was a baby but I never pictured her in Heaven that way. I think Heaven has to afford the luxury of no dirty diapers. Anyway, the words came fairly quickly for me. This memorial service would be all about the blessings that Isabella, in her short time with us, bestowed upon us. I went home, I read the speech to Crea to make sure she was okay with the message. Her tears let me know I was on the right path.
I kept returning to the park only this time I did not need a pen. I just kept saying my speech time and time and time again. My theory on speeches stands very firmly on not using any notes. I say the speech so many times that it is committed to memory and in doing so, I am able to just talk. The speech will come out different every time but the message will always be the same. I am not joking......I must have said this speech 100 times just to make sure I was ready. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I didn't. For my very last self rehearsal before heading out to the church, I was walking on Pacific Coast Highway. I had just turned into a parking lot and probably appeared insane as I was saying the speech outloud and gave the appearance I was talking to myself. At that point, I looked up and out of the hustle and bustle of the concrete jungle I found myself came this amazing white rabbit. It came out of nowhere. It came right up to me. It did not run away. It did not belong. It did not fit. It felt right, though. It just stared at me from a foot away. For all I know, a mile down the road was a panicked family madly searching for their loving pet that had escaped. For me, it was a moment. I was ready.
Well, the rest is history. Crea and I want to the church. We hovered in the back until the Memorial Service was to start. I remember walking out in amazement. So many people had made the journey to join us. It was incredible. The service went on. 'Tears of Heaven' by Eric Clapton played. Seemed appropriate. I gave my speech. No notes of course. Afterward we stood as a procession of friends and family passed by us to offer some words. The consistent theme was twofold. One, of course, was condolences. The other was gratitude for the words I had shared. People had come wanting to help us but, instead, it was the words I spoke that helped to ease their pain. One good friend of mine shared through tears that he could feel Isabella in the room as I was talking. I, of course, knew she was there and maybe it was her that was giving me the strength to hold everyone on my shoulders during this time.
That is my story. I apologize if it brought any sadness to you. That is not my intent. I read before that there is a big difference between 'dead' and 'passed on'. Isabella most certainly lives on in Crea and I. She also lives on in others. I know this for a fact. She has changed lives. Someone who never took one step on this planet changed lives. What should that tell you? I would argue it should tell you that you can make a difference. Everyone has the ability to make a difference, to affect lives, to affect the world. Every event that touches your life.........be it the happiest moment one can imagine or the loss of your child........has value. In that sense, even the darkest time of your life can be your best time. I am now going to share the speech I gave for Isabella. Read it if you want. Skip it if you want. I questioned for years whether I should share this or not. This year, 7 years later I have decided to put it out there. If you choose to read it, please know this was just the outline I used to speak to. I did not read these words exactly as they appear on the page................I just talked. Secondly, this will certainly not be the best speech you every read. That is not remotely close to my claim. Please remember it is important to my family and I so please treat it as such.
For Isabella
Good afternoon everyone. It is wonderful to see so many loving faces here today and I only wish it were for a much happier occasion than this. Crea and I know that it is not only ourselves and Tiana that need to heal from the loss of our beautiful Isabella but that all of our friends, our family and even some strangers we shared tears with this week that need to heal. We thank you very much for being here.
I have been concerned all week about standing up here and speaking with such a heavy heart. I have not only worried about crying my eyes out but of not crying my eyes out so if I do break down, I know you understand and please bear with me as I will do my best to recover. If, on the contrary I do not break down, please know it is not a sign I have built up a wall to all of this. I have cried my eyes out with Crea for the past week but I have also seen God give me a great amount of strength to help me endure some very tough situations over that same time period.
When Crea and I got married almost exactly 4 years ago, my father was the best man and preceding his toast, he mentioned through crying eyes that asking a parent to give a speech on such an emotional day was asking quite a difficult task. As I stand before you today, I can assure you my father was correct. My wife, Crea, and I come here after a week of tears and for someone that has little difficulty with words, I find words very hard to come by or at least they come very heavy to me. After this week of tears though.....of thought....of reflection....and of prayer, I do come here with something to say for Isabella, though not physically with us anymore has touched my life, has touched Crea's life...has touched all of our lives to the point where I know.......without question, she is a Miracle from God.
I first want to touch on a few things....a few ways Isabella has touched the lives of Crea and I as well as other lives around us. First of all, Isabella...through pregnancy, birth and her passing on to the Lord melded one amazing group of people into what I would now with great pride, great appreciation and great Love call my family. Over the last nine months, and especially shining over the last sorrowful week, everyone has shown Crea and I so much love and caring and compassion through words, through visits.....through a wide array of means for which our gratitude would be difficult to express in words. Seeing people...friends, family and, again, complete strangers that have heard our story...come together as one has truly been a blessing.
From a personal perspective, these types of situations are very difficult for me as all of my blood relatives are on the East coast and being unable to share this loss face to face is quite difficult...especially as it pertains to my mother and father whom I Love and miss terribly. Many of you know my father has been fighting with all the strength God has given him to beat Leukemia and I ask that you keep him in your prayers that God be with him and heal him and give him the strength to keep fighting as there will most definitely be a new grandchild to hold one day soon. Anyway, it is easy when two people come together in marriage to think of my parents versus his or her parents and, to be honest, I may have been victim to that same thought process. I think it is human but Isabella has changed all of that and as I stand here I truly feel I no longer have a mother and father in law or brothers and sisters in law but that I have true family on both sides of the country. I want to thank all of Crea's family and her great friends for taking me in their arms over the past week and making me feel like I do today.
Another blessing that Isabella has provided is that she did give my father another reason to keep fighting through his pain. My Dad could not make it here today but he is here with us and Crea and I are going see my parents in a month and my Dad will see the tape of this service and that is truly a great blessing for me.
I have another daughter that you all know. Her name is Tiana. I have always loved her and I have always considered her my own daughter. Through Isabella, however, my Love and my admiration for Tiana has grown more than I could have thought possible. Over the past week, Crea and I have seen an eleven year old girl put on an amazing show of strength and courage. Crea and I are so proud of you Tiana and please know that Isabella would have Loved you so much as a big sister.
Another blessing over the last week has been Crea and I learning that our relationship with God...our trust in God...our Faith in God is far stronger than either one of us realized. Isabella's passing.....in many ways...could have pushed us away from God. We could have cried out in anger at God but we didn't choose that path. We know that God has Isabella in His hands and we know that Isabella is safe and very well Loved. I do not claim that I understand any of this and we so very much wish we were at home with Isabella right now but we know that Isabella...our beautiful Isabella...is HOME with God and take comfort in that fact.
There are many more blessings that Isabella has bestowed upon us but I only want to mention one more at this time and it is a very important one at that. Isabella....from just the very thought and possibility of her, without question, saved, or at the very least rejuvenated the marriage of Crea and I. Without getting into great detail, there was a time when Crea and I were not looking like our marriage would survive but less than a year ago, God came back into my life.....talk of working things out began.....thoughts of having a child developed and we stand here today very much in Love and very much needing each other. God, of course, was a great catalyst to all of this but the Hope of Isabella really brought us together. Those of you that made it by the hospital this past week were witness to what I am saying and could see how close Crea and I have become. We shared a bed the entire time in the hospital and were pretty much inseparable. We could have been angry with each other...we could have pushed each other away but we chose each other and I thank our little Angel in Heaven for that.
As for Isabella herself.......she was and is such a beautiful little girl. She was so amazing to hold. She had beautiful little hands and beautiful little feet. She had a perfect nose, tiny rosebud lips and a little cleft like mine in her chin. Her heart stopped beating but I know it was a big heart....a Godly heart and I know she would have been an amazing person to know and I am sorry I will not get to see her grow up. Her earthly measurements were 5 lbs 9 ounces and 19 inches long but her Godly measurements go far beyond that. As one great friend wrote to me in an email this week:
"It never hurts to think about having your own little saint already in heaven who intervenes directly with God on your behalf. In that sense, you have truly been blessed in a special way!"
This is how Crea and I choose to look at what has happened and we hope you all do too. In closing, I would like to quote myself from a poem I wrote long ago. Those of you at our wedding heard this verse. It reads:
"I will hold you in my arms on the day our lives cross like I have held you in my heart for as long as I can remember."
Isabella, I have held you in my heart my whole life. I dreamed of you my little baby girl. I will never ever forget you and I will see you in Heaven.
Christopher D Wilno
Now two more things:
First, I would like to offer some words to those that may find themselves in a place of despair....financially, physically, emotionally or all of the above.
"You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give" Eleanor Roosevelt
I believe we all go through things for a reason and, for that to be true, we have to accept we are where we are meant to be. If you can read this post, you are breathing and that means you have more to accomplish with your time here. I truly believe.....with all that I am......that blessings come from even the darkest of events and most trying of times. Open your eyes. The blessings may be in front of you. They may be around the corner. They may reveal themselves immediately or they may be hidden for years. I am certain of one thing, though, and that is the blessings are there. Live your life with passion and out of your darkness will come amazing things.
"It's not what they take away from you that counts, it's what you do with what you have left that counts" Hubert H. Humphrey
I lost a father. I lost a daughter. I watched my wife fight cancer twice. Dark times...perhaps....but I gained the understanding my Dad and Isabella are still with me. I gained the understanding I will see them again. I gained a wife. I gained some amazing friends. I gained an organization in Team in Training that allows me to fight back. I gained the ability to help others. I gained the knowledge I can make a difference. I gained the knowledge anyone can make a difference. I gained the knowledge any one person has the ability to change the world. I gained a son, Jaden. I gained a daughter, Thalia. I gained running. I gained triathlon. I gained a life of giving back and for that I could never have regrets.
My favor
Lastly for this post is the favor I request of you. It is a simple one. On August 1st, I would be honored at some point in the day if you would raise a glass in Isabella's name. A simple toast to her. It can be a beer, a shot, a glass of water or a triple shot Latte......it does not matter to me. Just help me remember the little girl I miss so much, the little girl I carry in my heart.....the little girl that made me who I am. To Isabella.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Three Anniversaries - One Day
I am so many blogs behind. My schedule makes it very challenging to find the time to write even though it is what I love to do and perhaps one of the things I do well.....I guess I would like to think I do it well. I owe a writeup of Lavaman and I want to write a blog to those thinking about a marathon and I want to blog the Summer 2010 Westside Team in Training season. I hope to get to this but for now I wanted to take 5 minutes and write about today, May 6, 2010. One day. Three Anniversaries.
On May 5, 1997, I found myself late packing for Santa Barbara. I was heading to UC Santa Barbara for a Mock interview session. I was heavily involved with recruiting while working at KPMG and May 6th was to be a day of interviews designed to teach the students how to interview.......treat it as a real interview but for the sake of giving feedback. It could help you but not hurt you. I was so late that I just grabbed a suit, shirt and tie and hung it up in my car skipping the suitcase. All was well except when I arrived to my hotel room later that night.......no tie!!! In today's world of casual business attire this might have been acceptable but back in the day (I am officially so old that I can use this saying) we were very formal and there was no way I could show up without a tie.
Enter Crea Rockwood. She was the student that helped coordinate this Mock Interview session with all of the firms and I reached out to her to mention my situation. She agreed to meet me a little early on May 6th and take me to the student store to see if they might have a tie. I still remember walking on campus and Crea coming out to greet me. I remember three things as if this happened 5 minutes ago. I remember her amazing smile which can light the planet, I remember her energy which also could light the planet and.......I hate to admit it but I am nothing if not honest.....her butt. I remember thinking she was very fit which would probably impress me more today than it should have then because I had stopped running and did very little but work. Anyway, we went to the store and I bought quite possibly the ugliest tie on the planet. It had stripes that made no sense and a big UCSB logo but it got me through until lunch when I made my way to Nordstrom and purchased a more appropriate tie.
The rest of the day went on without a hitch. It is all a blur until the interviews were over and I remember loitering to see if Crea would come back. She did, I asked if she wanted to grab a bite to eat, she accepted and the rest is history as on July 31, 1999 we were married in Thousand Oaks, CA. For the record, I still have that tie I bought from Nordstrom and I still wear it today which signals both that I know how to pick a timeless tie and that I consider May 6, 1997 a very lucky day.
At this point you know why May 6th is my 13th anniversary with Crea. Now to why it is my 11th and my 1st. It all ties to the story most of you already know so I will be brief. On July 31, 2003, my sixth wedding anniversary, my wife called me 2 days before our little girl Isabella was to be born. She did not call because of going into labor like one would expect. She called to tell me she could not feel Isabella kicking anymore. It was a bad bad day. I have so many vivid images.........running out of work faster than I had ever run..........my screeching tires leaving work and the fear of God on the look of my coworker because she could see the fear in my eyes as I drove off........the ultrasound where they tried time and time again to find a heartbeat.......my screams when they couldn't.........my wife's labor, all her effort knowing the outcome would not be a good one. Crea fought with all she had NOT to push. I think it was so that Isabella would be born and as such pass on a day different than our wedding anniversary. Once the clock struck midnight and the calendar changed to August, my wife let go and Isabella made her way directly from Crea's womb to the hands of God which I have to say must be a blessed life.
Since 2003, we have always celebrated our wedding anniversary on July 31st and what we call Isabella's Day on August 1st. The combination of the two has always felt very odd. We really try to treat Isabella's Day with joy knowing she did live that blessed life knowing none of life's hardships. We try to picture her with all our relatives having a good time up in Heaven but, truth be told the cliche 'the Silence is Deafening' applies here. It is a day that should be filled with cake and laughing children and a Megan Fox pinata (ok the pinata is for me). This overwhelming silence is always the hard part for me. It is because of all this that it is tough to really celebrate July 31st. As such, Crea and I have decided to move our wedding anniversary forward to coincide with the day we met. May 6, 2010 is now the thirteenth anniversary of the day we met, the first anniversary that we celebrate on this day and our eleventh wedding anniversary. For me, I like to think it is our first anniversary as well because I think we need a fresh start. We have been through a lot during our marriage. We are hopefully beyond Crea's cancer. We have got caught up in work and life and not spent as much time as we should with each other, friends and family. My hope is that going forward we get it all right and take some time to smell the roses. There is a song by Paper Tongues called 'What If" that, for me, brings a lot of meaning to this day and it is my song to Crea. "What if we start over right now, come back together and break down"
On May 5, 1997, I found myself late packing for Santa Barbara. I was heading to UC Santa Barbara for a Mock interview session. I was heavily involved with recruiting while working at KPMG and May 6th was to be a day of interviews designed to teach the students how to interview.......treat it as a real interview but for the sake of giving feedback. It could help you but not hurt you. I was so late that I just grabbed a suit, shirt and tie and hung it up in my car skipping the suitcase. All was well except when I arrived to my hotel room later that night.......no tie!!! In today's world of casual business attire this might have been acceptable but back in the day (I am officially so old that I can use this saying) we were very formal and there was no way I could show up without a tie.
Enter Crea Rockwood. She was the student that helped coordinate this Mock Interview session with all of the firms and I reached out to her to mention my situation. She agreed to meet me a little early on May 6th and take me to the student store to see if they might have a tie. I still remember walking on campus and Crea coming out to greet me. I remember three things as if this happened 5 minutes ago. I remember her amazing smile which can light the planet, I remember her energy which also could light the planet and.......I hate to admit it but I am nothing if not honest.....her butt. I remember thinking she was very fit which would probably impress me more today than it should have then because I had stopped running and did very little but work. Anyway, we went to the store and I bought quite possibly the ugliest tie on the planet. It had stripes that made no sense and a big UCSB logo but it got me through until lunch when I made my way to Nordstrom and purchased a more appropriate tie.
The rest of the day went on without a hitch. It is all a blur until the interviews were over and I remember loitering to see if Crea would come back. She did, I asked if she wanted to grab a bite to eat, she accepted and the rest is history as on July 31, 1999 we were married in Thousand Oaks, CA. For the record, I still have that tie I bought from Nordstrom and I still wear it today which signals both that I know how to pick a timeless tie and that I consider May 6, 1997 a very lucky day.
At this point you know why May 6th is my 13th anniversary with Crea. Now to why it is my 11th and my 1st. It all ties to the story most of you already know so I will be brief. On July 31, 2003, my sixth wedding anniversary, my wife called me 2 days before our little girl Isabella was to be born. She did not call because of going into labor like one would expect. She called to tell me she could not feel Isabella kicking anymore. It was a bad bad day. I have so many vivid images.........running out of work faster than I had ever run..........my screeching tires leaving work and the fear of God on the look of my coworker because she could see the fear in my eyes as I drove off........the ultrasound where they tried time and time again to find a heartbeat.......my screams when they couldn't.........my wife's labor, all her effort knowing the outcome would not be a good one. Crea fought with all she had NOT to push. I think it was so that Isabella would be born and as such pass on a day different than our wedding anniversary. Once the clock struck midnight and the calendar changed to August, my wife let go and Isabella made her way directly from Crea's womb to the hands of God which I have to say must be a blessed life.
Since 2003, we have always celebrated our wedding anniversary on July 31st and what we call Isabella's Day on August 1st. The combination of the two has always felt very odd. We really try to treat Isabella's Day with joy knowing she did live that blessed life knowing none of life's hardships. We try to picture her with all our relatives having a good time up in Heaven but, truth be told the cliche 'the Silence is Deafening' applies here. It is a day that should be filled with cake and laughing children and a Megan Fox pinata (ok the pinata is for me). This overwhelming silence is always the hard part for me. It is because of all this that it is tough to really celebrate July 31st. As such, Crea and I have decided to move our wedding anniversary forward to coincide with the day we met. May 6, 2010 is now the thirteenth anniversary of the day we met, the first anniversary that we celebrate on this day and our eleventh wedding anniversary. For me, I like to think it is our first anniversary as well because I think we need a fresh start. We have been through a lot during our marriage. We are hopefully beyond Crea's cancer. We have got caught up in work and life and not spent as much time as we should with each other, friends and family. My hope is that going forward we get it all right and take some time to smell the roses. There is a song by Paper Tongues called 'What If" that, for me, brings a lot of meaning to this day and it is my song to Crea. "What if we start over right now, come back together and break down"
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